a downer.

So tonight im having a moment.. I'm moody as all hell, I'm emotional I keep crying at the drop of a hat.. it's awful..

Ben is really pushing my buttons today! they say leaving is the hardest thing on earth to do.. breaking the cycle of abuse is really hard. but you forget how hard it hits them though. I knew this was going to be difficult but i didnt think it was going to be ben that made my life difficult..

and now that im all emotional im all insecure and paranoid stupid brain playing games with me.. I really must go back on my tablets but the doctor said i will have side affects for the first  2 weeks well thats all good when u have someone else to look after the children if you need to go to bed.. i dont have that option anymore. well not that i really did have that option before but it seemed more accessable than it is now.

I am completely missing my ook and lila they probably hate me so bad right now.. poor things my poor babies.. there is nothing better than the affection of a cat. they are such sensual creatures! one things for sure i will always have cats..

the boo..

well i am currently living in the boo! staying at my foster mum and dads until they get back from london.. i just hope that i find a house between now and then..  I love you mum n dad! your my rock and my one true set of "folks" i will love you till the day i die!

I had my first "night off" in 6 years on friday what an amazing night that was! watching julie and julia.. cant go wrong with choccie, meryl streep, and my "borrowed" bed which is so comfortable.. i want to take it with me when i leave.. lol oh and cant go wrong with someone else to watch it with me either..
it was hard with out luke.. really hard i was so emotional could have cried a bucket..

I picked the kids up on saturday and they were pretty good, we had pizza for tea and then went to bed, ben was up for ages he has been like that alot lately just wont go to sleep. i guess being in a strange house would do it for u but i just hope that this week is easier.. i let him stay up till 8 now to make it easier.. the other two are in bed at 6-6:30 because they just need it..

anyway its 11:27 and ive been waiting for mcdreamy to come online but his still at his brothers friends house. wish he would hurry up...

oh i so broke my finger today well its not broken but ffs its sore and bleeding and god knows what else..
anyway thats it for now. be back tomorrow.

My time has come..

The time has come "for me" this is "my" time this is now my life It's time to start again and learn to love life because my time spent being depressed and angry has gone.

 In the last month i have gone through so many emotions I have been angry, sad ive hated myself to the point i could have killed myself, I was stuck in a house that just made me angry and depressed my kids were suffering my anger and their fathers aswell. i was just so bad i wanted to up and leave them all there and not go back i just wanted to run away. but thanks to mil and mcdreamy i was able to see that i needed out i have seen that some men are nice and there are some special ones out there and im ready to explore that. i just am so lucky to have so many good friends. ones that are really honest to me and tell me how it is. i have been in a dead relationship for 2 years.. and im ready for the mcdreamy waiting for me. so here is to my new life full of love and life and my kids. ofcourse there will stil be my down days i have bipolar whats to expect.?