ENGAGED!

well as of the 8th of october 2010 I am now officially engaged! engaged to the absolute most loving most caring and the absolute most sexiest fiance in the whole entire world!... and there is only 12 weeks until we get married! 12 weeks i tell you! there is so so so much to do still... kids need shirts and jeans and i need a dress... daniel needs his clothes and his groomsmen need clothes too..

i am ever so excited! life couldnt be more perfect. i couldnt ask for a better fiance thats for sure. he loves unconditionally! and loves me to the end! i just am so inlove with him!

am 13 weeks and 4 days now.. so almost 15 weeks and am going in for a scan tomorrow to check on things..

life is good!

love you my mcdreamy

why is love so darn hard?

I feel like i have had to run a million miles already in order to keep us afloat. it's been hard from the start... but they say the best marriages are those you work hard for! i hope it pays off..

i am so overrated sometimes i just get my self in a pickle and i cant get out of it. all this stuff with tresna is really difficult to just swallow. i want to move on and go back to what we had. i want to just have it all back and not be fighting...  i see how much it hurts daniel and i just want to erase it all.. and i cant do a darn thing about it.. whats done is done and we have to work through it.. no matter what.

anyway thats all for tonight its date night... they seem to have gone through the wall lately nothing much entertaining.. but anyway beggers cant be choosers.

frustrated

I have to say i am becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation between me Daniel and his mother. it is really eating me up inside and everytime something is said no one seems to be backing me up. and everyone else seems to be blaming me for everything.

I have said things that she cant forget? Well im sorry but what about the things you say to me? do they matter to anyone? doesnt seem like it because once again this is a blood verses water situation.... because blood is thicker than water.. and im the water. i get this situation far to often. always the water never the blood so its easier to cast me out because what do i matter?  i try my hardest to include everyone in my life and i try my best to be honest with everyone. but every time i come out the "liar" not many people actually believe in me. half the time i may as well tell people what they need to hear and lie to them then tell them the truth because 99% of the time im not believed anyway.how hard is it to stick up for me? like say the god dam honest truth to someone? am i not worth it? because i dont feel worthy of such things.

"i'll be civil but it will never be the same"   nah you dont say??? who's the adult in this situation? you've been my aunty for a goot 14 years yet ive not ever felt anything but love. yet i still stress the love bit but its never going to be enough is it?

what about things she has said about me to me and to other  people about me? does that not count for anything? no it doesnt not to anyone. because its complete crap and im about ready to lose the plot.
you think there is something wrong with me now? well wait until i really blow my load then you will see that there is something wrong with me... I have clearly 100% had enough and its about time people started taking me for real and not as some kind of joke because im really not a joke. im a human being and i have feelings dam it. and i tell the truth.. 

anyone who doesnt take me seriously is going to get a rude shock. because this is my child as much as it is daniels. and this is going to be my wedding not anyone elses!

I'm so mad right now. so so so flaming mad i could seriously scream. this is crap..

what's next?

well all i can say is what a what a day! what a week, what a month what for the last 4 months. CRAZY!
it has been drama after drama after drama since we started. sometimes it makes you think what the H**** am i doing? because it just gets so blooming emotional and im the one that gets blamed for it all! but then i take one look at him and who we are as a couple and i just think.... It's all WORTH IT!

it just doesnt seem to ever end i cant escape drama! and people tell me im a "drama queen"" well no im not. since leaving dyon ive mellowed i dont like the drama i just want it to be a good thing! thats all. and if i thought i had the MIL from hell last time? well she is an angel compared to what i have to deal with.

for starters she has been at me since the beginning. she wanted us to be together yet now she seems to be doing everything to be tearing us apart. well she makes it all about her. and then continues to tell me "see jess its the same old shit everything has to be about you" and last night we went and did the right thing and tell her about some news we have and she just goes off at me. saying "well thats just brilliant. so what who cares. whatever"and then i said something to her and she just flat out yells to me to "shut up jess i have nothing to say to you and i dont wish to discuss it with you""! well HELLO WOMAN this is MY LIFE you are bitching about. and i just couldnt believe she said something like that to me. the woman who has been like my aunty for the last 15 years is suddenly telling me to shut up...

and then she goes on to say that i have ruined his life'? and i planned this well got exactly what i wanted.. well actually i havent. 1: we have been pushed closer together and pushed into doing things I''m not entirely ready for 2: I have one very hurt boyfriend whom i can imagine is probably feeling a little let down at the moment.. and 3: I have 3 KIDS of my own to think of.  to be honest its all just a bit much. you cant just make everything about your self and scare everyone back into their little holes! i wont tollerate it. and to be honest she should take a look at her own life and see what errors she has made and im pretty sure they arent as bad as mine! and maybe then she should just butt out of my life all together because i really couldnt give a hoot at the moment. im rather hurt and let down. my name is not megan and i am not her child or anything! she has no right to treat me like she does everyone else. and i wont take it at all! and i wont bite my tongue! she can take it from me. and the next time she tells me to "take your tablets you'd be a lot better"im going to hit my head on a brick wall! she wouldnt know the difference because i havent taken them for 4 months!

and to top it off she sends home flowers with daniel. today after he went there for lunch. pfft! sorry not going to work!!!!!!! i seriously felt like throwing them in the bin. but that would be disrespectful to daniel and im not going to lower my self to that level.

anyway he is here now and we just have to make sure we try to have the best life possible, and make time for us because we still need time to get to know each other and we still need the romance bit...

I love him with all my heart and i will do absolutely anything to make his life a good one. i am going to be his wife and i intend on being the best wife i can possibly be. because even though we have made an error i went into this relationship knowing full well that i loved him! and that i wanted to be with him forever. so no its not the same situation as last time. its a good life for me and my kids and its a good one for daniel.

anyway kids need me so i shall finish it later.

It's your love

Dancin' in the dark


Middle of the night

Takin' your heart

And holdin' it tight



Emotional touch

Touchin' my skin

And askin' you to do

What you've been doin' all over again



Oh, it's a beautiful thing

Don't think I can keep it all in

I just gotta let you know

What it is that won't let me go



It's your love

It just does somethin' to me

It sends a shock right through me

I can't get enough

And if you wonder

About the spell I'm under

oh It's your love



Better than I was

More than I am

And all of this happened

By takin' your hand



And who I am now

Is who I wanted to be

And now that we're together

I'm stronger than ever

I'm happy and free



Oh, it's a beautiful thing

Don't think I can keep it all in, no

And if you asked me why I changed

All I gotta do is say your sweet name



It's your love

It just does somethin' to me

It sends a shock right through me

I can't get enough

And if you wonder

About the spell I'm under

oh It's your love



Oh, baby (Faith)



(Instrumental)



Oh, it's a beautiful thing

Don't think I can keep it all in

I just gotta let you know

What it is that won't let me go



It's your love

It just does somethin' to me

It sends a shock right through me

I can't get enough

And if you wonder

About the spell I'm under

oh It's your love

It's your love

It's your love

random thoughts

Well my sperm donour rang me and he reckons he is coming between yesterday and sunday... he says he is just going to come and visit. BA HA HA HA can you hear the sarcasm? do you have any idea how many times that bloke has said "i miss you princess and im finally coming to visit" ?? clearly not because he isnt someone i usually talk about.

i remember as a  kid i was about 5 or 6 and my step dad at the time took me and his kids for a walk to get fish and chips. and i was walking down past my house and i saw this man walk past me. and i looked.. and then kept walking but i turned and looked again and i knew he was my dad and i ran back to him and jumped into his arms, from then on i remember him coming over all the time except he would be there in the morning. so its a given what he was there for only i didnt really understand.

everytime he would come around he would promise me things like he'd say "next week we will go to the movies" and next week would come but we never went..

another tme i remember him coming nd asking me what animal i would like. and i said id wanted a cat so he said "next week we will go get one" anyway same thing never happened. this happened all the time. 
and eventually i went back into care and i didnt see him for years until i was 17 and my egg donour was walking down the street and seen him and got his number. stupidly at 17 i didnt think about all the unbroken promises or the fact that like everyone else the one man i actually needed in my life  never even bothered to get off his Ar** and come look for me. I was just far to excited at the fact i would have my dad back. (even though i have had a fantastic father who is a role model to me and as much as i never tell him.. rob is the only male figure i will ever call dad and mean it. ) it doesnt ever take away the fact that craig is my biological father. and ive always craved that attention.

anyway.. so i made contact with my dad i was 17 and 5 months pregnant with luke and i met him in melbourne. I was so sure he was going to change and that this was the best thing that could possibly happen.. plus everyone deserves a chance to make it up dont they?  well we hit it off brilliantly was great i finally felt like i had my dad.. my dad the dad who provided the sperm so i could live... well all was well and good for the first few times. and then it went back to how it use to be.


he would ring me up and say im coming to see you make the bed for me. well the first time he said he was sick.. and the second the third and the fourth.. he never sent birthday cards but i still did.
he would turn his phone off for months on end and send me messages to say he wanted to kill himself because i couldnt be in his life. then he would turn his phone of and i wouldnt hear from him for months.

and then hayley was born and he finally showed up she was 2 weeks old. and he stayed for a few weeks and he acted so weird i think he was on drugs or something.. but im not entirely sure. after that i never saw him again.. its been almost 5 years. he didnt even come and see me when i had the car accident and it was his house i was going to.

he said he turned up at the rehab centre but i had left but i know for a fact he never showed up . he would ring and ring and ring..  and say oh "hey beautiful im coming down in 2 weeks" so id get all excited and talk to him right up to the day before and then his phone would be turned up for like 2 months and he would ring me and say. oh sorry baby i didnt make it i got sick or a insect bite the day before and it got infected. ive been in hospital ra ra ra

the last few times he has said he was on the bus on his way here and id go to the bus stop to pick him up and he didnt get off.. because he never got on!

This man is the reason why I HATE people saying they are going to do something and not do it. he is a lot of the reason why i dont trust people. he brings back all my insecurities about people just giving up.and you know? ive had it hard ive had it really hard.... my childhood was fairly messed up. and yes i agree that life could be worse i am not saying that no one elses life is worse than mine. it is there are kids out there with no one. and i had the best foster parents i could possibly ever ask for. and i did everything in my power to push them away. because its my defence mechanism. its toughen up and dont let people in because if you do they will just let you down!

my egg donour is the reason for my fear of people walking out. because every time she would get sick she would kick me and hit me till i was black and blue.. and only then would she ring dhs and id get shipped of to a foster family.  then they would get sick of me and send me somewhere else. then i would go home and the cycle started again.

she constantly just would leave me places and im left to wonder what the hell i did wrong? i cnt believe i have 2 parents who really have no right to be parents at all..  and i craved for that attention andd that love and the acceptance and i believe it was always there in a sense. mum n dad loved me no matter what. I had it easy i went to a great school and then i got approved to change schools because the music was great.. im not sure if they were really sure its what they wanted me to do but they supported me no matter what. and maybe i shouldnt have changed as i believe mary mac was just what i needed stability and it was strict and there were boundaries. but leongatha gave me music and a bit more independance but anyway..
when i was 16? i met this guy and stupidly fell in love and that was when i took it and ran.  i left home and moved in with his family because i stupidly thought they could give me what i wanted but i already had it! and they didnt give me at all what i wanted. maybe for the time being but once i left they just changed moved away and now im some kind of person who has issues. there is another example that people just hang around until it gets tough...

anyway
he was what i was looking for. it was what i needed. someone who chose to love me and chose to be with me. that man he changed me yet most of it was a lie only i was too bloody stupid to even hear or see what was going on behind my back.I only found out about things that went on later on and it was only a few weeks ago mum said she had heard the roumors herself...  i was 16 and it was then i remember sitting in church and talking to rob nyhuis and promising to not have sex befor i was married! well i broke that at 3 weeks later. something i hated myself for the next day. i bawled my eyes out for the whole service and then some afterwards. but it was then i thought.. well ive done it who cares?  Ive already sinned gods not going to forgive me now. so i kept doing it. and doing it.  and in the end like most people he walked out and i probably deserved it because i probably pushed him away I probably did it myself.. I probably was too much or something i dont really know. anyway. so then after that i rebelled because well whats the point? i blown it anywy! no one really loved me at this point i was alone and then a friend hooked me up with dyon and well thats how u get ben . but after that it all turned sour. i was such a mess. anyway i dont want to go into him because the memories are still raw.. the countless times he would not take no for an answer in the bedroom, and the names he would call me.. and you know what? i reckon i stayed because i called me names and treted me like shit but thats how i felt about my self. so i didnt have to try..

for alot of those years i had little to no contact with anyone. i knew he was the wrong person because i didnt get what i was looking for. he didnt love me like i needed to be he just used me. and it wasnt always bad. the first 4 years were ok. but after the car accident i was kidding myself. and went back because i couldnt look after my kids on my own there is no way possible i could.  but i stayed because it was easy.. its hard to leave would have required effort plus there was no one else to make me feel what i already felt about myself. a complete failure. id let my foster family down. id let  god down and myself down. i treated people not nicely i did stuid things.

and now there is daniel . before we started seeing each other we had discussed the no sex before marriage and we soon broke that not long afterwards. about a month i think. but you know what? i felt like this was the first time i had wanted to really do this with someone and I gave myself up. i dont believe that sex should be just for kicks. i believe it should be between two people who love each other and are commited to each other. there are plenty of christians who arent married but participate in those things..

anyway since being with daniel and even before daniel right towards the end i started reaching out and trying to make things right. i was finally wanting well not wanting but needing my foster parents and i started to forgive my self i wanted them aswell that probably wasnt the right choice in words..
I decided i was better than what i had trained myself to be like and i left i stayed with mum n dad while they were in london and i got myself together. I felt like my whole world finally made sense... everything was (and still is) great with daniel. sex wasnt something i hated to do.. it was something that finally made sense. god made it to be a beautiful thing! and the nightmares they stoped. and the worrying and the crying at night. and everything was great i knew from the start he is going to be my husband!
I love this boy! anyway.. then the whole sex thing came up and daniel had decided that he wants to wait until we are married. and thats his choice. but... the last two weeks have had me back to the old me.
just a few nights before he had said he wanted to start moving in. because i thought its what he wanted. and ofcourse i got all excited. and then 4 days later we broke the sex rule again. and we are back at world dot!

I ofcourse Love this boy. I love him with all i got. but I have found that love and that constant connection and i wnt that more than ever. and the no sex thing.. no moving in thing going backwards. but moving forwards really messed with my head. my demons have come out and i have been so really back to the old insecure me that i have made a doctors appointment. I dont need sex but i thought i was getting somewhere. but what can u do? i have to make the choice aswell.. i still miss his company. every night with out him feels like a lifetime..

How can i become someones wife if im this insecure? I can be a better person than i am now. I am a GOOD person. i just feel a little let down. and  i have everyone elses issues to deal with.. there is mediation to organise, mischa, there is dyon who just wont let up! names are still coming and they make me so panicky after i pick the kids up.. this just isnt me.

Im a good pretender though. alot of people on the outside wouldnt know how im feeling on the inside!

This has turned into one almighty post.. and a winge no doubt.

and i was on here talking about my dad. and then i started about the egg donour. and now i dont know what i was trying to write.

I just want this last 2 weeks put behind me. I wish i had never taken that step and broken a promise with daniel. how do u go back with out cutting out all forms of touching? i have to be strong enough. and im just praying i can do it.

anyway. today i have been an absolute mess.. i stayed in bed all day except to go to swimming for ben and to meet daniel for a few minutes. i would do anything to make him happy and i would do anything to just be with him.

so its time for me to start just living and being normal and trying to piece together my past and get forgiveness for everything. no matte what i throw at that boy he just gives it back with a kiss. and a hug and an "i love you"

best i go.
been an hour and a half and im still typing...

can i wait?

So I have made a promise to not have sex before marriage. i saw janet today and had a very long conversation with her about whats right and wrong, my issues with going back on whats been done. and just my life issues in general.. i feel like i came out a better person, I have made that decision myself not to i feel a little like the decision is forced on me since u need to agreeing people to have sex. but i guess when u put it in context and think whats a few months with out compared to the rest of my life with it? seems like an easier option.. and just think what my life will be like? imagine my wedding night? and my honeymoon and every night after that for the next like 6 months? lol



i guess the good thing is that atleast i have tested the goods before hand and i know what to expect.. he just better not wait to long before asking me.

I guess the answers i went for today were answers that i want things to be ok if something was to happen. id rather be at peace with something rather than be hating each other the next day because i didnt stop u and u didnt stop me etc.

marriage is such a BIG thing its HUGE! i cant even begin to believe that after such a short time the conversation has even come up? now all i think about is planning! planning the wedding and what i'll wear who will come. where will it be? so many of my friends have gotten married and most of them had big weddings. fortunately (for daniel) i dont have BIG wedding dreams I would get married in a registry office if it meant i could be with him for ever..



no just simple. i even plan on making my own dress. because i couldnt think of anything worse walking into a bridal shop and trying on dresses that wouldnt even fit because they would be all small sizes.. plus my own dress would be more important. well to me anyway.

oh im still so confused and i hate it i know what i want i just want it now really. well not now. but i just want all the hard stuff to go away.. just be easy for once..

anyway my man is here i shall finish this tomorrow

over reaction

Ok so maybe ive over reacted... but its all in tthe moment when i write. i wrote daniel a 4 page letter today and i could have kept going if he hadnt rang me and changed my thought process! boys and the way they can do that it's not fair! LOL

Its still very raw in my head, i feel a little bit relieved and a little bit more reassured but its still not making sense. I dont understand why stopping it is going to do anyone any good? apart from the fact it doesnt count as "no sex b4 marriage" when u have already done it. i would think the sex thing is acceptable between two people who are commited to each other. what about those that never marry but commit their lives together?
I really dont get it, and maybe its just i dont like it because its such a step forward for me and i feel like ive put to rest some of my demons. and overcome my fear of sharing my body with someone i love. maybe this really is the first time ive felt totally in love! ive never felt this way before. The last time i feel like i really loved someone i was 16 and since when does being that young and in love really count? although i thank that person every day he changed me..
but anyway. I guess all good things come to those who wait right? well i think ive waited long enough. been hurt too many times now its my turn to have the good life.

i totally have lost my thoughts again! dam it. i was just getting into this.

something just died.

I know i should be feeling all supportive right now but i am not feeling it. I feel like I'm not really sure now. I know that from the start of our relationship both of us decided we wouldnt participate in any form of sexual contact, however that was a really hard decision to make but obviously we broke it and it has been fantastic, I had gone from a person who could not enjoy it and quite frankly i never had a choice in the matter, i either did it or it got done for them! anyway from that to a person who actually enjoyed that closeness and now as much as i am trying to understand it has to stop, someone came and spoke at daniels church and now i dont understand. we have to go see some church person to see where we are headed, and whilst i will for sure support daniels decision, i just feel like something has been taken away from me. like everything else does... something is good and then its too hard so they give up. I wouldnt be me if i couldnt write all this down. i guess it will be for the better but  i dont get why we would stop? i feel like its killed something, i kinda feel rejected even though i should be flattered and excited that someone would want to marry me sooner than planned well thats if i dont know. u really dont know. just wish id stuck to my guns, ahh this is really crappy.
really crappy. im supose to be acting all adult like but i feel like throwing myself at a brick wall. why go back? why take something away that was so good? why? why why why? where to now? what go back to the before bits? just totally forget what we have done? until when? argg this is stupid! my brain cant function on this..

sunday.

Well i have had ella a whole week now.. toilet training is the pits! but im hoping that things will get better.. ill get through it. its just hard with having tafe 3 days  week she is home alone she cant be expected to hold on all day. so im going to set the mud room up for her now. its concrete out there and it wont matter if she poo's she will learn in her own time to go out side. just have to be persistent!

oh and the mud coming in from peoples shoes is driving me nuts i just cant keep the carpet clean its so annoying. I'm going to have to get the carpet cleaned very soon its beyond a joke. i hate mess! i hate it!

Last night was great. daniel came over we have ben hayley luke, samuel and chelsea and mischa here last night my kids were asleep usual time and the other kids went to bed i dont even know when. i went to bed about 10 and left daniel to him self online using my computer...which is a BIG thing for me. i cant stand sharing  my laptop it drives me nuts. but i did it and it was ok. i just feel wierd about it this has all my personal stuff on it. and i never log out of anything. but never mind ill get use to it. i have to dont i?

I sooooo didnt want daniel to go home today i hate sunday nights because its like 3 sleeps until i see him again i vote he just moves his stuff in and just moves in with me.. stuff everything else..i say!

 ahh well my brother turned up here on friday night. ruined date night way to go Mischa. he has run away and doesnt want to go back. I dont know what to do I would love to give him a roof because i know people did the same to me but i wasnt like him. yes i was not an easy person to live with and im probably not the easiest to live with still.. but this is crappy really.. arggg what to do? id rather have josh here with me!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont do rules!

I do not like rules, I just simply cannot do them. i do not follow them, and  i dont respond to people who say i cant do something.. when people do say things like that It just makes me more determined to do what they say i couldnt do.. However i am finding that  there are certain things that annoy daniel, now i know its wrong and some times i dont even realise i am doing it.. but i test him, why? because i dont know what he would do if he got really mad.. i dont know if he would walk out, yell get really mad. so far ive had little to no reaction.  which i think proves im pretty safe.. however i have also realised that i have to follow some rules.. esp when it comes to daniel.. no tickling because he hates it! which is crap because its fun mucking around.! and dont ask him "are you grumpy" because that makes him gumpy! but its cute watching his face when he is like trying not to laugh but be serious.

I am finding now that things are getting comfortable, and sometimes the conversations can get pretty involved and im loving tht i have someone i can tell everything to.

Wednesday night I went through all the emotions.. I cried, I laughed, and i got cranky. not once did he let it bother him.. and if im honest im a bit of a mess at the moment... the "tough" macho act is just an act. im not strong at all. most nights i cry. its crazy..

not good!

I'm not good today:( over it all over everything!

Sunday's and good night kisses..

Well i have been in one really crappy mood, I have been in the same state of mind since my last post. about certain people, It's just one thing after the other, It just never ends. There is always something or someone bringing me down, Only this time im in no hurry to e ad them to facebook since i got blocked and deleted again, Im done, I'm not doing anything to help any more, it's me and daniel all the way, having said that it isnt just about T it's also about dyon, I cant get it out of my head that someone can be so rude and mean, and its getting to me that i just cant escape him! i can't get away its driving me absolutely nuts, I'm so over it it's not funny, Im over being called a "fat pig" and a "sl**" and I just feel like he is always going to have control over me.. i just want out. i want out of everything i want to run away and be by myself.. i really do.. I will take daniel and the kids, and if i could take mum n dad i would however they would be missed and needed here, but i just dont want anything to do with everything. im just oh dam it i just want to scream and punch some walls or throw some eggs or something. why do people do this to me? why? why why? arggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, its sunday and apart fom me not feeling myself i did have n awesome time with daniel.. mnd u the kids are testing him now but i half expected it, they have to i did it. and i still do it i test him all the time and half the time i dont even realise ive done it.

so my man has gone home nd he would maybe be on his way home from church now, I miss him like crazy but i enjoy the company.. i dont feel so bad with ella now i feel like i constantly have someone to keep an eye on, and she looks after me,

we had our first "shower" tonight she did good, not to scared. im proud of her and she smells beautiful now and all fluffy and clean..  and we are going to go to bed soon, and wait for daniel to get home so i can talk to him.

monday tomorrow! week starts again and tuesday will be 3 months! thats 1/4 of a year! feels like forever and feels like ive always had him there.. I love him!

Ella!

We have a new addition to our family... her name is ella, and she is beautiful! she is the bestest most beautiful most special little girl! who will one day be a very BIG girl! i already feel like I have company when daniel isnt here, i really think she was a good idea.. so far only one accident, but that was on the lino and i wasnt home so it doesnt count. she is so good at going to the toilet. such a good girl!.. only thing is. she just walks out there and roles around in the wet grass.. she is a shocker!...

she is just absolutely beautiful... i couldnt ask for a better friend.. and ben when i told him i had something at home for him.. he says. "is it a puppy" yes ben it is and he got all excited and teary and was telling me he loves me and im the best mum in the world!..

im so glad i saved and waited for her. i know its a big thing to be buying at a time like this. but i really feel at ease and peace with it, normally when it comes to money no matter what it is if its not cheap i always feel bad that i didnt spent it on something else. but there is a first for everything i guess.

anyway just thought id introduce u all to her, since ill be writing heaps about her training..

and another thing

Daniel works harder than anyone i know, (apart from dad) he gets up goes to work slugs it out for hours at a time, then goes on to fix a car that is being fixed to help other people out! he does it out of the kindness of his heart and thats what makes u a good person! he is a good man. he is a good man! so what if he doesnt get around to doing is washing! thats what u have a mrs for! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

OVER IT OVER IT OVER IT OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

over u!

can i just say i am furious right now. im over it. i cant win nothing is bloody good enough. and from now on. its me daniel and my 3 kids my dog and my 2 cats. thats it. and ofcourse the other people i care about.

but really why do i have to be brought down for doing something out of the kindness of my heart? because thats what i do. i love with all my heart. i do things because its right. thats all it is. that is absolutely all it is. and ill be buggered if im going to put up with being spoken to like im nothing and like im worthless.

I dont do rules..! ive always broken them, Ive had 5 people stick it out through my life everyone else has given up always left me because its just too tough to stick around and see it through.

well im not going to run away. all this is just going to push me closer to him! and him to me.

jess is majorly mad! mad mad mad mad! this is far too many times to be having ago at me! im NOT putting up with it. im now removing some people from my blog thats it ive had enough. im backing off before i get to hurt!

bank accounts, date nights and puppies,

well... yesterday i drove all the way over to the other side of melbourne to pick up "our" newest member of the family.. she is a pure breed golden retriever, and she is 8 weeks old and such  a sweet heart. i left her home last night in the laundry, and no accidents. i came home about midnight and she had been in there since 7:30 fair effort..
she slept in our bed last night and there was no accidents. i took her out at 2:30 this morning and ofcourse she had to just flop herself in the grass! one bad thing about long hair it gets wet! i can see im going to need  few towels...

we have been discussing joint bank accounts so we can save for a house deposit. sounds really scary! its like serious. this is now serious. its not teenagers... we are mature mid 20's loving people that love each other..

date night was good... we made it to big w with 8 minutes to spare.. managed to spent too much money and then get out in time... he has just left for work and i miss him already.. but i know he will be home tonightt  so i will be ok..

plus i have Ella now so im sure i will handle it on my own.

I know its a big decision getting a big dog but in all honesty ive always wanted a retriever since i was a little kid. nd now that there is no one to say no.. i took the oportunity.. if id gotten something else id have ended up wanting another dog and then id have had 2 dogs.. she was a fair price too much less then any others i have seen...

70 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well this is post no 70! wow.. i cant believe in 11 weeks i have posted 70 times... well it just goes to show how much of a difference bein happy makes doesnt it???? just shows that i can be happy and that when i am happy i have a lot to say! so here is to the next 70 entries..

first sunday..

Well today is our first sunday... together as the awesome foursome! and so far little to no dramas... thanks to daniels phone alarm... we got woken at 5:30am again! grr!anyway our time was not wasted! and by 7:15 am one had woken and looked out the bedroom window to see that there was a car here! "who's car is that" Daniel! daniels here..... lol. well that was it. we got bombarded and couldnt get them out of the room to save ourselves! welcome to my world baby! no morning sleep ins! in this house.

They ate breakfeast together played together and are now watching free willy together., i cant quite figure out who is the grownup in this situation but whomever it is its an awesome feeling to know there is someone who has the time to spend with my babies. even if secretly i really do want him all to my self...

So my future? or "our" future? im not sure. couldnt say. im thinking we will be forever. and im hoping forever. but maybe its a little early to tell. but im pretty certain its all real!...

Baby u light up our lives. your awesome. thankyou for sharing your time with us..

a very hard decision.

I had to make a very difficult decision today.. and that was not to allow my brother who is currently in a remand centre come and stay with me. my reasons for making such a horrible decision are these

A: I have just started my newly exciting life. I have met daniel, i get 2 nights away from the kids every week and one of those is what i like to call "date night" its mine and daniels night. we dont usually go out we usually stay home and watch dvds but mostly we talk, and we talk.. and i might just kiss him every now and then! :P

B: I have  beautiful kids who are just starting to come out of their shells again. and have started their new life which i guess would be pretty confusing to them. but they now have some kind of structure. they are home with me.. mon til thursday. thursday night they go to their dads and come home saturday arvo.. sunday we have family day..and now that will start to include daniel, If we are to one day become a full and happy family well we need to spend time together all 4 of us because sure its great when its just daniel and i but anyway.

C: I havent got the energy or the brain function to handle my brother right now. he has mental issues and i just dont think i could give him the home he needed. although i do love him and i love spending time with him and for goodness sake i miss that i cant see him.. it breaks my heart. josh and i have a connection that none of the others have.. we have been through everything together and i just have this love for him and i just feel helpless that i have chosen my family over my brother. and thats silly because he is my family.
anyway as hurtfull as this is i have to do whats right. if not for daniel but for my kids.

the thing i worryy about is if he is going to not ever talk to me again.. if so ive lost him and i cant get him back. but i made the decision and now its up to somene else to help him.

anyway it is date night and my wonderful boyfriend will be here any minute.
woo hoo!!!!!!!!!! snuggles on the couch watching dvds. couldnt think of a better person to spend my nights with!

always looking for the bad.

My mum told me something today that not only do i believe totally  but kate actually said the same thing to.. I'm going to copy it to my blog for future reference..

"When you were a kid , you

often could not just enjoy the good things without looking forward to the

bad things that might just possibly ( and probably would not have)happen

in the end , you often sabotaged the good things and sub consciously made

yourself sad and un happy."

and she is right.. 100% right i do this. I do it every day. I am 100% waiting to fail with daniel I'm waiting for it. because i expect it to happen! and instead of thinking of the "what if's"  i should be just embrassing life as it comes.! of course i dream and i pray that he be the one i marry and the one that becomes my life long partner. i couldnt imagine a better life! but i need to cut the thinking that its going to end badly.. because for all i know. it may not. I actually deep down don't believe it will ever end! I have this feeling that its the real thing. the real thing that everyone seems to have right! kate and dan they have what seems like an awesome marriage. they both have and had awesome parents and from what i know pretty grounded up bringings. 

same as jen and julian, they are made for each other both of them are so mature and have such individual lives and tastes in culture and are just so smart hard working people.

em and joe I believe love each other with all their hearts they are good for eachother. but also from the younger generation but still they love each other.

Then there is mum and dad who must have been married for 40 years nearly? i dont really know the number but its more than 25 because they had their silver anniversary when i was young! their marriage? is the marriage i want. I want the one where the man loves his wife unconditionally who looks after her, works his bum off at work and comes home and tells his wife he loves her.. for as long as i can remember dad was always helping mum with the housework.. me and emma had it easy! clean our rooms and do the dish washer which we still managed to fight over.! but dad would get up early go to work and come home. get wood help out side inside. make mum cups of tea and they always sat together to watch tv or when they were reading. 

I went for tea tonight and dads been working all day but he still is there helping. helping with tea helping with the table. he is amazing! and if i get half the husband my dad is im a lucky woman! and when i walk down that isle about to marry the man of my dreams I for sure know who will be holding my hand and who will be giving me away! 

anyway mum and dad have the most rewarding most inspiring marriage in the world. they gave up so much for us girls growing up so we could go to netball play music etc. and always loved each other, dad never raised his voice unless he was really mad and that was rare. he really loved me and im lucky.. yes i now have my biological father. but rob will always be the best dad ill ever have!

I think from now on my life will be good. i will embrase it and i will run with it. and ill be darned if im going to let it go!

and i have my family to thank. and ill be forever grateful!

i love u all and am so thankful for this second chance to keep my mark on the family.

Love him

Baby I love you forever. you are my everything. you make everyday worth living.. every morning i wake up to your good morning message, every night i go to sleep with your goodnight text! or ive spoken to u or how ever it is... i go to sleep knowing how much u love me.

when u stay for sleep overs you hold me all night. your so warm and snuggly! i love your snuggles. they are the best. lying in bed just snuggling is awesome.. i love it..

I think we are on 10 weeks today.. kind of feels awesome feels like forever 10 weeks isnt very long i know.. but still.

hmm i love u i love u i love u i love u....

hmmm.

well what a day... i made up on good progress for my tafe work.. handed in 2 assignments so just got a few things to hand in and im done... caught up.. i got my working with childrens check in.. so can start placement work now which will be fab. im so excited to be able to write in the discussions bit on tafe vc and also do the diary entries. i cant wait to start.. will be fantastic!

Well the ugly biatch reared her ugly head this morning... she is back in full swing! 3 years its been and she comes back. but i think its actually from the medication ive been taking...as its not real as its pretty much over.. ohwell my body is screwed what can i say..

I recieved a phone call today from my brothers solicitor.. i have to decide if i want him to be in it for him to come and live with me for a few weeks or not. im torn about the decision.. i dont know what to do.. argg too much stress....

why?

This is so ridiculously stupid. im up its 12:15am and im still awake. another repeat of last night i can imaging.. thats just brilliant. i would turn the computer off but i just cant see my self sleeping. 


I am looking up puppies and not having much luck.. they are all so expensive and im such a snob i only want one breed of dog because its the breed i always wanted every time and i never got it because of some stupid reason. and now im determined to get it. id happily take an adult.... i just feel really alone at night. sure i have the 2 cats but its not the same i dont think..


just think this time tomorrow night ill be sleeping with  my man next to me he will be cuddling me and life will be good. this is just a bad day. and i have them just having a few more than  i should be. but i know what i have to do. and Ill do it. 


im going to try get some sleep..

I admit defeat.

Ok so i admit it i cant live with out taking what i have to take. I thought i was doing really well.. everything was good. Ive been happy ive had "good" stuff going on... i moved in to mums which was probably the best "transitional" stage i could have possibly had. I moved out into my own house. got ben to want to stay here with me. got the kids into a good routine. it should be good right?

well not according to my brain... my mind or what ever it is that makes me all depressed and feeling like crap. the bit that makes me all paranoid and feel like if i go to sleep i might wake up and have lost everything!
The dreams are back. except when mcdreamy stays here. i try to cover it up because i feel like im less of a person if i have to take them. I dont feel like i make for a good enough girlfriend or wife if i have to take them.  i dont like people knowing my weakness and the fact that my brain doesnt function with out them.

The thing that got me was yesterday and what happened. it played  on my mind all night i didnt sleep until 4am this morning and being really tired this morning ben wasnt listening either was hayley or luke and i snapped and had to walk in the room and shut the door for 5 minutes. im ashamed to admit this but its my blog. so its meant to be where i post all my feelings.

anyway I dont like this person she doesnt feel worthy of such good things in life. she gets crazy thoughts in her head.. and being awake all night i can do alot of thinking.. so there it is its me its the way i think. it still doesnt help me feel any better knowing i have to take them again. they are my worst enemy. how am i any good enough to love if i have to take medication to level hormones in my brain? this is ridiculous i cant believe i feel like this... its useless. why?

I made daniel grumpy today and if i wasnt so consumed in the what ifs.. i would have known better what not to say. thing is i dont deal with things unless i can write about them or talk about them. i finally feel comfortable sharing my feelings and i cant even get it right.

argg i feel like ive hit a brick wall.. over it. just want the honeymoon back.

I love him so much if i screw this up.. if i screw this up? there will be no words. not one. because i will have failed at everything.

I dont like this feeling!

The feeling of loss, even though u havent lost someone. The feeling of "what ifs" The feeling of anger because if it wasnt for me u'd have had more sleep. i dont want to feel this ever again.. I hate it.. i cant stop crying its awful.. If I lose u I don't know what i would do.. I can't see my self wanting to breath life with out u in it. I just simply cannot imagine my life with out u..  and yes i want to marry u and make u mine even more now. I love u so much. I hope this is a wake up call. I hope this makes you think not only of yourself but the people who love u.

U have a whole family who loves you.not only that but there are 4 people living in this house that would do anything to have u in our lives every single day. To be able to wake up every morning and know u are there.. every moment we spend with u is a memory tressured forever.

babe, I love you. i dont ever want to feel like i could have lost you again! i hope you now realise what it is u gotta do! and im going to remind u even more now..

I LOVE U!

Loved this message so its here for future references..

"love you in the morning, I hear you calling I'm never gonna say goodbye

love you in the evening, i'll hold you till you're sleeping

I'm gonna love you right"

love you babe <3

shotgun.

Love me in the morning,


Love me like you need me,

I hear you call and your never gonna leave me.

Loving you is easy,

Never gonna say goodbye.



Love me in the evening,

Hold me till i'm sleeping,

I know your with me,

I hear you breathin',

Yeah I'm gonna love,

Yeah I'm gonna love you right.



Rainfalls louder, snow falls down,

colours brighter when you're around,

Cause there's no shotgun hanging around my door tonight.

With you I'm safe here till' the morning light.



Love me in the morning,

Love me like you need me,

I hear you call and your never gonna leave me.

Loving you is easy,

Never gonna say goodbye.



Love me in the evening,

Hold me till i'm sleeping,

I know your with me,

I hear you breathin',

Yeah I'm gonna love,

Yeah I'm gonna love you right.



Whispers softly, take my hand,

Hold me closer, right till the end,

Cause there's no shotgun hanging around my door tonight.

With you i'm safe here till the morning light.



X2

Love me in the morning,

Love me like you need me,

I hear you call and your never gonna leave me.

Loving you is easy,

Never gonna say goodbye.



Love me in the evening,

Hold me till i'm sleeping,

I know your with me,

I hear you breathin',

Yeah I'm gonna love,

Yeah I'm gonna love you right.



Cause there's no shotgun hanging around my door tonight.

With you i'm safe here till the morning light.

Forever is a long time

Well.. 2nd night in and I survived. might help that i had company last night! I would do anything to have that company every night. That was awesome! no expectations. just relaxing.. brilliant.

daniel and ben had a blast last night setting up the car set and having races.. i dont know who actually had more fun.. daniel or ben. Ben woke up this morning "mum where is daniel i wish he didnt have to go home"

so maybe we wont have any issues? maybe all this worry over nothing! my kids love him. what more could u ask for? I mean he could be a bit of a romantic u know the whole flowers thing but that would make him perfect.. and we all know how hard it is to find the perfect boyfriend.. they are few and far between..

He was meant to be going HOME but someone must have been too tired and decided to have a sleeping sleep over. how good is it though waking up with someone in the bed next to u? like how awesome? knowing its not some meaningless thing but the prospect of waking up every morning with the one person u love just makes me feel all loved and just special.

I never knew it was possible for me to get someone to fall "in" love with me. never ever. but when he says it I believe it! i 100% totally believe it. I feel it and i Know it! i know to some people this all seems a bit like dejavu  and i use to think that way back in the beginning but i know now and believe now this is the right place for me. i am where god wants me to be. im where i should be. this is what god has had planned for me all along. yes i agree things have gone so fast.. but kate said sometimes things happen like that. some people know right away that its meant to be.. others takes a while.. and i believe that fate is what brought us together and i really am thankful that my life ended up this way.

I dont regret anything not one thing. life is good!

All alone.

well first night in the new house.. and got 3 kids sleeping and two cats playing.. the house really is pretty big! the kids are all in the one room.. thats where they want to be for now. so ill leave them in there. that leaves the whole back room to play in.. and thats good. all the toys can stay out there.

I miss mum n dad. i spent one night there with them in the house and i want to go back.. i dont wanna stay here with out someone here. its crap. but i made this decision i have to deal with it. face it if daniel wasnt around id be on my own anyway so suck it up princess... I love that my house is so clean.. i just need a fridge and we will be good to go! tomorrow i might take the kids to get some new dvds. i think with out tv reception its gonna be a long week! and unless tax money comes in i wont be doing anything else much..

They have no toys so they cant do much really. anyway. im pretty much lost for words tonight. so i might come back tomorrow.

hospital stay.

Well im wrecked.. we have just spent sunday till today in hospital with luke.. the poor kid has pneumonia.. he was so so sick. i haven never seen any of my kids that sick before. i was really worried for him as he couldnt breath on his own. he spent 24 hours on oxygen and to start with i thin it was 8? then put up to 10. we were first in leongatha hospital.. then transferred to warragul and finally on to the monash. i havent slept since saturday night and probably only had 3-4 hours sleep that night. i tried to sleep last night but i kept waking up so i just stayed awake the whole night. poor mcdreamy. he is such a gem. man i love that kid! i love him with a passion! For real i do! he waited at warragul with me for 6 hours.. and he had to work in the morning. poor luke didnt want a bar of him.. but then he didnt want a bar of anyone..  still only wants me..

I'm feeling pretty sick to be honest.. hurts to cough... my bones ache but i will get over it. its almost the kids bed time and ill be resting on the couch i think...

i missed my boy so so much..  i wrote him a letter for every day i was gone. i thought of him very much and i felt almost helpless at the fact i could not physically see him.. i didnt have a choice.. i couldnt see him..
please dont ever take that option away from me again!  i dont like it.

bringing me down.

Ok so i cant really facebook this and its something that is getting to me.. and whilst i understand that people are trying to give me good advice..but is it really necessary that people must say it in a way that sounds so negative? do people expect me to fail? is there something here that i am not understanding because i am really not liking it.

its not the people that are annoying me its not like i dont like them. but its the same few saying things and i just dont understand why people cant just let me be happy.

yes i know about reality... and i know its not all roses i know that. But why steal my thunder? why not just let me be happy? people use to say they hated seeing me miserable and depressed well now im not. im happy im about to move into my own house get a dog maybe some other animals... and i have the worlds greatest boyfriend who loves me with all his heart..

i have my foster families blessings i just need mums! and it should be just good instead of saying "dont forget about reality" why cant u just say. "im so happy for u" or "im proud of you for taking the chance" or better still why not just say nothing at all???? because i just want to have the giddy feeling of a new relationship.. i want the newness i want the chance to get to know someone with out having to live together.. with out being pregnant and with out having any reason to have to be together.. apart from the good old. "I'm here because i WANT to be"

so to anyone else who has a problem with me being happy bugger off cause im going to BE HAPPY for the rest of my life! yes I AM no going back, It's onwards and upwards from here on in..

and i just need that one person to come with me and we will be fine..

i love u baby!


and

just needs the boy to want what they want

12:44amNeil

your a good girl dil and I love you lots. Daniel just needs a push over the edge

from MIL just a bit of my message...
But, you're always going to be my girl. So, I'm not going away from you.


I could get use to these ones! much nicer than the last ones...

date night.

So last night we went "out" on a date. an actual date.. with my company showing his true gentleman self and just being the best boyfriend in the world! "grown ups" is brilliant. i loved ever minute of it every second of it. fantastic movie... and how much better could date night get? well thats not reccomended for discussion on a blog with so many readers lol! but for sure it could possibly get better.. but what we have is real! it's so real.. yes its fantastic its everything u want in a relationship. for instance there is me.. now anyone who knows me KNOWS if i love u i will tell u and i will show u.. i guess not being shown as a little kid makes me want to show it more.. but in someways its a good thing and i guess it could get annoying so i probably need to refrain my self from showing it too much. anyway so u have me right the one who is not affraid to say what i feel, would go out of my way to show the boy how much i love and appreciate him, the one who could be with him all day every day and it probably wouldnt annoy me. but having said that i still need my space! and if i get grumpy watch out!

Then u have mcdreamy.. apart from being one of the "good" ones he is still absolutely 100% MALE. and he gets a fair wack of the "Man period" and even at those times i still love him! he is sensitive, kind and caring and would go out of his way to make you feel loved. he would do absolutely anything to help if he could. yet he forgets that its ok to be a little bit selfish and do things for himself! he has the most wonderful smile. and when he is looking at me i feel like I'm the only one he is looking at! he gets these moods where he is just loving and just wants nothing more than to cuddle u and just LOVES u well he loves me not U! ha ha
He is honest he is stubborn!! but so am I! He has awesome eyes.. his hands when they touch me esp when he touches my face are so reassuring.. so so so reassuring! as for the rest of him! well thats for me to find out one day!

anyway so yes its brilliant but it also is real because neither of us are perfect we both have the same kind of flaws.. we both are sensitive and we both get grumpy and its not going to always be a bed of roses but i hope and so far so good that the good always out weighs the bad! because life with out him in it would just not be  life! that i would want to have.

 so yes you could say reality has set in and i now know that it wont always be perfect.. but the best thing about having disagreements is the make up bit afterwards because u get the whole bubbly feeling again. that feeling that just reminds u of how much u love someone. and u forget what u even disagreed about in the first place.

so date night is over for the week... only 6 more sleeps until the next one....


 Mcdreamy if u read this.. just know i love u. i want to love u forever, i hope i get that opportunity! you are my life my world my everything..

2:30 pick up or ill call dhs..

are you fucking serious?  what you think you can dictate what i do and when? I dont think so buddy! im not your rubbish bag you can just keep throwing out when u want to. I'll be there at 4 like i said! just you wait for mediation this week! just you wait boy! work this work that ffs! man i hate this its bull shit i wish i could just wash him out of my life and not deal with it ever again. its bull shit. im over people controlling me. Roll on friday when i can move in on my own. no boundaries no one to say what i can do who i can see etc. not that that happens here but its a simple respect issue.. but anyway. bring it on i say! bring on single mother hood and date nights.. best of both worlds i say.

REALITY CHECK

you know what??? Micki you were right! there is such thing as reality and im not sure i like it very much! but I appreciate it for what it was. Im proud of myself for not blowing the lid and just wallking out its the only way i can deal things.. and running away doesnt always work!  but it worked today.. i gathered my thoughts and got through it.. im proud of myself for just going with it and wallking out of the situation... i love this boy with all  my heart...and will do anything to keep him...

anyway will blogdate later..

misses him

Well me and my insecurities can go jump! stupid stupid brain i hate you!
i need a hug my head hurts my bones ache if i cough it feels like im gonna die.. and i need a bloody hug and to go to bed and feel comfortable..
i wanna cry. cry cry cry. lol such a sook

my beautiful auntie

This woman The most amazing woman i know

she is kind caring and absolutely the greatest

auntie i could possibly ever ask for.

everyone constantly treats her like crap

the whole Tormey family are a bunch of wanks

and this woman is beautiful she is my auntie and i love

her like i would if she was my mother.

she loves like no one else i know.. in the whole world.

not grmpy anymore

I got The house! woot woot woot! i am so excited finally something positive and just relieved! no more grumpy me.. no no no.. no no! now i need a money tree..... anyone got one?

i need like 1 big bed 2 little beds at the least! (luke can sleep with me) i have to put tht application in for the fridge and washing machine.. and then i need...

a couch or loads of bean bags lol.. um pots n stuff arggg too much! not fair why didnt i think of that when i left i should have taken it all with me! oh well almost tax time so if i gotta live with out stuff till then well so be it.
well i gotta go soon to see the housing officer and get some help from her...

Mcdreamy I LOVE U!

Grumpy:(

It's 3am and I can't sleep! Brain won't switch off! Mood won't switch off!! I just wanted a hug and I am mad at the world!

Honey moon over?

So micki posted on my wall that I should be enjoying the honeymoon but not to forget about the "reality" of things! Well to anyone else who wants to say that to me don't because I'm such a paranoid insecure person that kind of thing just messes with my head! And I don't want to not get excited when mcdreamy comes home from work or if he comes to visit me I don't want to not be happy about that or excited! If u love someone I think there should always be some kind of "honeymoon" faze it should always be there and people should work on it! You don't just meet someone to get comfortable! U love them because of who they are and that's just how it should be!!!!

Insomnia

So I'm laying in bed it's 1:24am and sleep is not going to come easily tonight! Luke is lying next to me awake but is meant to be going to sleep! It's probably a bit hard when his mother has her headphones in music full ball and is singing away lol! I must admit I'm over sharingmy bed! Bring on moving to my own house so I can sleep on my own! No little feet to kick me in my back! Just me Lyla and ook! I can't wait to get my "kids" back I miss them! I miss coming home to ook waiting at the door for me and Lyla jjumping up for a hug! Poor babies!

Hopefully the realestates rings me in the morning! I will def be happy!! I don't know who I'll be calling first! I think probably mcdreamy he he hopefully there will be a shed to put my car in! I'm on a mission to buy a new car though! I want a manual! But I'd like a Holden! I'm a Holden girl and I'm not going to let my love for mcdreamy get in the way of that! I will not let him convert me to ford! Not in my wildest dreams! If mark skaife drives a ford I might consider it!! But I know he will never drive a ford so I'm safe for now!

I went to the doc's today and I have to get some blood tests done tomorrow and book in for an ultrasound I'll call first thing! It's pretty scary stuff but it could be worse! So I'll just go along for the ride and hope I come out the other end on top! Which I will!

I'll leave this entry for now I want a new one for the next thing I have to say!

Babe "I love u FOR REAL"

I get a knock on the door go to answer it... i open the door and mcdreamy walks in kisses me and says "i love u babe" full on... like wow omg thats wierd i know but...  i felt it.. he like gives me goose bumps when he does that. anyway..

night two of good night kisses... love them bestest.!

Goodnight kisses.

Goodnight kisses are awesome coming from an amazing guy... but they are even better when they come from someone who loves u! I know this for a fact! because anyone can kiss u good night.. but only one person can kiss you goodnight and love u like there is no one else in the world but u!

The realestate rang just before and is ringing my rental references!!!!!!!! yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hope that the mirboo north realestate rings me asap though because i want that house. its in mirboo and its close to mcdreamy! and mum and dad.. and everyone else. but im homeless in 8 days and i just cant be picky.. how frustrating. I WANT THE MN HOUSE! STAT!

well kids are playing nicely.. and i need to get to the doctors but i cant get in until friday in leongatha.. time to try another clinic

What i love about u!

McDreamy..

From the first moment i started talking to u i felt the connection.. I remember you were so shy and u hardly said a thing to me. it only took a week and we were talking like there was no tomorrow. for the first week it was 2am before i was turning the laptop off.  it was then i knew what i really wanted. U helped me through the absolutely most difficult thing i have done. The leaving bit was easy its the stuff afterwards. He has thrown so much crap my way and every time u listen, U do not batter an eyelid at anything i say to u.

This last week has been pretty tough with the fires.. the egg donour etc but u.. just love me.. u love me and no words are needed.. just your love and u know it.

I am the most insecure person I dont trust anyone and i find it hard to let peope in and tell them how i feel. at first i was scared to let u in. I have been so hurt by so many people. people walk in an out of my life in a flash. if something gets to tough they walk out. If i make a mistake they walk out and im left wondering what the hell i did wrong.  and u whole heartedly knew this and u are still weary of it. i can ask you absolutely anything insecure and u have the right answer every time.

you tell me u love me every day with out fail in the morning when i get up numerous times during the day and your the last person to tell me at the end of the day. even if we have been tallking all night on fb or yahoo.. u still message me.  I can ask u anything. i always say "do u love me really" and u always tell me " Yep I love you for real" I always ask silly questions but u answer every time.. u know exactly how to answer. u know my weakness and you take it in your stride because u know its "who i am" 

Im so self concious i hate my body but u.. U love me as i am as who i am and that is so comforting.

when u kissed me for the first time i knew it was right you were a tad hesitant but as time has gone by i can tell that now u kiss me and u kiss me like u love me. and u kiss awesome! lol. as EWWWWWWWWWWWW as that is.. Kissing u is my new favourite thing!

At first you didnt like the "public affection thing" but when i come over u are sure to tell samuel and chelsea that you love me.. because u do. u will kiss me and say u love me even when u are grumpy!

I love that i can tell you everything and anything. every time i pick the kids up something goes wrong and for some reason everytime i go back to the car there is always an "i love u babe" message waiting for me its like you knew i needed to hear it.

I love that when i am with u we dont have to say anything being with each other is enough.. and i love that i could fall asleep with u cuddling me every time. i cant wait to get my own house so that u can come for "sleep overs"

as i know i will sleep cuddling u all night!

I love that u have changed me. U have made me Happy.. before u i would always get frustrated my kids would annoy the crap out of me and the whole world feels like its not worth living in. but now im calm im graceful and everyday with them is a blessing.

I love that u have taken me into your arms with the whole "package" u knew i came with kids and not one thing has bothered u..

you are an amazing person you are the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. I truley would spend my life with u forever.. i would lie in bed and just cuddle u i would be happily satisfied!

Im not sure what our future holds i just know that every second spent with u. is worth a life time of memories and a lifetime of love!

i love you baby with all my heart. u are my life my world my everything!

Thank you for loving me.. and for loving me "for real"

Will he or won't he?

Well it's Sunday and I'm lying in bed waiting for the kids to go to sleep! So I'm wondering will he or won't he? Goodnight kisses are hard to find u know! They are even better when they are a surprise! However I am hopefull! I love him! I love him I love him! U know it's been like 6 weeks or something? Crazy huh? 6 weeks doesn't seem like very long! But it feels like a lifetime! I didn't even think it was possible to fall in love with someone that quickly! But aparently it is because I did!

Today we went to a birthday party! Trust me to leave the present at home! Stupid! Anyway was good to catch up with them! Been a long time between drinks! That's for sure!

I drove the other way home I love the warragul road! It's all bendy and fun. Hmmm this entry is really boring! I've had so much to say but I've gone blank!

I love u mcdreamy!

the simple life...

this isnt simple this is ridiculous. they are right ben is better off on his own with out me. i left him there because i thought he was just confused. turns out he isnt. he just doesnt want to be with me.. he has been brain washed. anyway whats the point in being mad may as well just get even.......

Is a loner.

I have no family i h8 every single on of them except my auntie K! i hate you all and am divorcing u all and changing my name. thats it im leaving u all in the past.. u can all just bugger off

feeling down..

nothing more to add... just feeling down.

love it

can't take my eyes of u

The secret is out!

So everybody knows.... no going back. its moving forwards from now on. no more doubting that you love me and no more doubting that i love u. i know it i feel it i cant hide it any longer and to be honest i dont want to hide it. i want to walk out side right now and yell at the top of my lungs that I love daniel! obviously since i dont know anyone in this street i wont be doing it. but i definetly wont be hiding it from anyone.

I have made my decision it's time to stop playing the insecure me and start being the normal me. well that is pretty normal..  but no more.

anyway on a downer the stupid dreams are back! and just as id finally thought i got rid of them.. they are back. i actually had one a few nights ago but didnt think anything of it.. but going to the egg donours yesterday definetly brought them back.. i tried so hard to stay awake last night thinking about the good things but i couldnt.. stay awake  any longer.. i just fell asleep.. listening to my songs... at one point i woke  up and there was someone on the end of my bed.. i just went back to sleep but every time i woke up i saw the same thing.. so i think ill sleep in mums bed tonight even though i shouldnt... or ill sleep in the lounge room. i hate this it will end up same as always.. i will end up sick. and really tired. god help me thursday when im on my own for two nights! lol i need my own  house so i can have people over for "sleep overs"

anyway i should probably go see if the kids are asleep.. its good tv on tonight.. woo hoo!

so.

here i am sitting in the loungeroom at my brothers house. i have two babies asleep in bed and my bro sitting in the chair next to me.

how and what i am feeling?
I'm feeling like i could drive the 2 hours home and crawl into my bed and maybe if i put the pillow next to me it will feel like someone is lying there next to me. u know my life at the moment is like 2 different worlds. in one world  there is hate anger, 3 displaced children and no house and just a whole heap of crap. and in my other world there is my 3 happy children a man who loves me and still no house.. when i am with mcdreamy my whole world is turned up side down or rather up the right way. i know its only been like  4 weeks or something but i feels like forever. i cant even really imagine my life with out him in it.

i picked the kids up today and i had like a million and one names thrown at me. i got begged to stay and told "can't we make this word look what you've done you've ruined our kids" ra ra ra ra! same shit just a different day. but not once did i look back it was NO NO NO NO NO all the way. but he still didnt get it. but i didnt care. and maybe thats the part that makes me shitty and upset i "can't" physically care about him. i dont love him and i dont hate him. i just dont feel anything for him it took me a good long time to realise that it was just a comfort thing... or rather a convienient thing i havent loved him since i was pregnant with luke... it wasnt love u dont treat people like that if you love them. anyway its over and done with and im not going back. i just wish the whole name calling would STOP! im better than that im not a fat pig etc..  or a bitch or a whale and i definetly don need to be hitting trees! i am a good honest loving and caring person i wear my heart on my sleeve. love me for an hour ill love you for a lifetime. i love whole heartedly and thats why i stayed and put up with it because it wasnt just me it was hurting it was my kids. so i made the choice leave and dont look back.

anywy ben still wont come home he is just making life difficult.. its crap. anyway i cant stay awake any longer i need sleep...

Surprise..

OMG i just got a surprise visit from mcdreamy.. how awesome. i was so not prepared but it was dark lol..
i thought last night was the best goodnight kiss.. but tonights was by far.. i wuv him!

it's love!

here is something mcdreamy posted in reply to my youtube post.. i love him!

mcdreamy

stupid mole.

well i went and visited my sister and brothers today and of course the egg donour was there. i dont know why i bother going. everytime something happens and she shits me up the wall. she uses me and it shits me..  she 100% gets in my head withthe stupidest crap and its annoying ive tred for the last 24 years to love her but i just cant.. i cant do it  any longer im burnt out. her husband is a creep..  his an arsehole if he isnt stoned or drunk. i had to buy him a bottle of beer today just to shut him up. all he did was pick on me. "fat bitch" u look like mortitia adams but on the larger size.. ffs bitch dont mess with me.. it was on for young and old.. and he calls my kids "ucking little shits" oh i have had it.. they think they can just chose their kids..

ffs stupid people i hate you all!

fark!

OMG so mad.. i went to pick the kids up today and ben flat out refused to go home. he wont come home with me. he wants to stay with nana and daddy! omg! i kind of knew this was going to happen.. he just isnt dealing with it as well as i thought he would..

and then... just as i was leaving with the kids i was putting something in the car and i shut the door and my hand was just resting on the door and dh (dick head) slammed yes slammed the door shut and my finger was stuck.. omg instant bruise and it has been 3 hours and its still throbbing like a bitch. it was an accident but it friggen hurts. friggen hurts! anyway.

so ben is coming home on monday after school which kind of saves me a trip in since monday is the only day the kids dont go to rascals..but still this sucks i never signed up for this crap.. all i wanted was a clean break a chance to be myself and do things my way.. but noooooooooooo grr anyway its a new day tomorrow..

i miss my mcdreamy..

how far is to far?

when it comes to the "no sex b4 marriage" deal how far is too far? how do u control those barriers that in some cases can! get the better of u.. I think its one of the hardest things to control esp when the chemistry is there!


I am such a "thinking" person. that i worry about everything.. i cant even relax with out stupid thoughts going through my head.. I am so self concious about my body i just if i get touched i tense up.

i hate my mind why do i have a mind like this? its stupid. not everyone is going to get up and leave me! well actually everyone does. but it doesnt mean mcdreamy is. he says he loves me so maybe he really does? maybe it will work but maybe it wont. im just so sick of failing at everything that im scared if i let my heart go i will get way too hurt and i can't deal with being hurt again. im over it. i am so sick of getting hurt being treated like shit and this is a good thing! its a bloody good thing! NO ONE has ever made me feel like mcdreamy does... for starters i HATE sex it was ruined for me as a kid and i have never ever been able to feel comfortable doing it. but ....... i feel comfortable with him.. and nothing has  happened this is just my thoughts as to how do u stop it if it gets that far? not that it would hear anyway mum would never forgive me LOL! ha ha plus its completely wrong.. u dont "do it in your mums house" oh hurry up house i need u!
so anyway back to the how far is too far? i guess i just have to trust my self that it wont go too far.. because i think i know how much it would hurt afterwards.. we would have failed.. failing is my biggest fear.

anyway better go..

I <3 my mcdreamy..

j

all is good in my life right now

All is good in my life right now.. and that is all i have to say! everything is good, everything is bloody good! i know what i want..... i know what i need, i know who i need!

take time to smell the roses..

How do u train your brain to slow down? and your heart aswell? i have no clue this is all new territory to me, Im jess ive never done things slowly i dont do "slow" I'm impatient if i want something i want it like now..
im slowly retraining my brain. if things go slow i can keep being happy and excited every time i see him.
I love that so far doesnt matter what i have done or said nothing really makes him mad.

I don't get it how does one become that way? i wish i could be as caring as he is, as loving and gentle and special as he is. . I just want to tell him all the time! all the time how awesome he is, but there is only so many times one can hear "your awesome" before they think you've gone crazy and are obsessed! so i must refrain myself from messaging so often.

I went to Mil's house this arvo only stayed about half an hour but i took her some flowers and a letter i had written at tafe.. she needed cheering up..

anyway im getting rather over writing everything down.. so ill be back tomorrow

what do u do when life gets you down?

when life gets me down it ruins my day, It makes me mad, i get paranoid and i worry so much about other people. I am a worrier... i worry so so so much like my mil, my sweet beautiful mil, she is one of the nicest people i have known, I've known her all my life, learnt so much from her not so much in the past but recently i've learnt she could possibly be my greatest friend in life.. she will teach me so much i hope for many years to come...

i believe sometimes the people you love need to know it. I'm a very "need to be loved" person i need to have people who are there fr me ive grown up feeling very alone and i continually feel that way.. i get paranoid when i upset people but i love people i love everyone i alwys want to be there and help people but i think sometimes i just get in people's faces.. 

anyway what do i do?

lol i think of one person at the moment and they pick my mood up! every single time..

cant take my eyes off you

I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way


Have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away

And opening up has always been the hardest thing

Until you came



So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go

This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known

And I just can't take my eyes off you

And I just can't take my eyes off you



I love when you tell me that I'm pretty when I just woke up

And I love how you tease me when I'm moody, and its always enough

I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all

You broke my wall



So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go

This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

And I just can't take my eyes off you

And I just can't take my eyes off you, off you, off you



So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go

Oh, this feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known

And I just can't take my eyes off you

And I just can't take my eyes off you

Intamacy..

So my mcdreamy and i have made a decision... of no sex before marriage.
sounds wierd since i have 3 kids already and clearly that would mean i have had sex.. but the thought of  a second chance with someone i really could see myself loving a hell of a lot.. and not sharing my body with him until my wedding night kind of makes me all fluttery. i never thought i would have a second chance at lovin someone, i have 3 kids... thats enough to scare anyone off, but i think mcdreamy is different he is one in a million..

The feeling?? is so wierd ive never felt that feeling feeling before... its completely nuts..

on a good note..

last night mcdreamy went to church and i was really feeling sooky because I cut my finger instead of the pumpkin. all I wanted was a hug, but i kept saying to myself, come on you can get over it he is out getting  a life etc etc but omg what is he doing to me?

and yes i know what your thinking "u only moved out a week ago" and yes i physicaly moved out a week ago but emotionally my heart left 2 years ago.. i havent felt an inch of love for any male in a long time. and this boy? does the most amazing things to my heart, its absolutely crazy.. u cant fault him.. and when he is grumpy he is so cute.. lol anyway..

12:30 last night i was in bed and i hear his car go past and im like omg u serious? who does that? i dont know anyone who has ever came and given me a good night kiss before. but he did. made my day my night my week my month my everything.. i slept the best ever knowing someone out there loves me enough to come give me a good night kiss before going home to bed. so that was my highlight. of the week lol!

its funny how the simplest things can just give u that boost...

a downer.

So tonight im having a moment.. I'm moody as all hell, I'm emotional I keep crying at the drop of a hat.. it's awful..

Ben is really pushing my buttons today! they say leaving is the hardest thing on earth to do.. breaking the cycle of abuse is really hard. but you forget how hard it hits them though. I knew this was going to be difficult but i didnt think it was going to be ben that made my life difficult..

and now that im all emotional im all insecure and paranoid stupid brain playing games with me.. I really must go back on my tablets but the doctor said i will have side affects for the first  2 weeks well thats all good when u have someone else to look after the children if you need to go to bed.. i dont have that option anymore. well not that i really did have that option before but it seemed more accessable than it is now.

I am completely missing my ook and lila they probably hate me so bad right now.. poor things my poor babies.. there is nothing better than the affection of a cat. they are such sensual creatures! one things for sure i will always have cats..

the boo..

well i am currently living in the boo! staying at my foster mum and dads until they get back from london.. i just hope that i find a house between now and then..  I love you mum n dad! your my rock and my one true set of "folks" i will love you till the day i die!

I had my first "night off" in 6 years on friday what an amazing night that was! watching julie and julia.. cant go wrong with choccie, meryl streep, and my "borrowed" bed which is so comfortable.. i want to take it with me when i leave.. lol oh and cant go wrong with someone else to watch it with me either..
it was hard with out luke.. really hard i was so emotional could have cried a bucket..

I picked the kids up on saturday and they were pretty good, we had pizza for tea and then went to bed, ben was up for ages he has been like that alot lately just wont go to sleep. i guess being in a strange house would do it for u but i just hope that this week is easier.. i let him stay up till 8 now to make it easier.. the other two are in bed at 6-6:30 because they just need it..

anyway its 11:27 and ive been waiting for mcdreamy to come online but his still at his brothers friends house. wish he would hurry up...

oh i so broke my finger today well its not broken but ffs its sore and bleeding and god knows what else..
anyway thats it for now. be back tomorrow.

My time has come..

The time has come "for me" this is "my" time this is now my life It's time to start again and learn to love life because my time spent being depressed and angry has gone.

 In the last month i have gone through so many emotions I have been angry, sad ive hated myself to the point i could have killed myself, I was stuck in a house that just made me angry and depressed my kids were suffering my anger and their fathers aswell. i was just so bad i wanted to up and leave them all there and not go back i just wanted to run away. but thanks to mil and mcdreamy i was able to see that i needed out i have seen that some men are nice and there are some special ones out there and im ready to explore that. i just am so lucky to have so many good friends. ones that are really honest to me and tell me how it is. i have been in a dead relationship for 2 years.. and im ready for the mcdreamy waiting for me. so here is to my new life full of love and life and my kids. ofcourse there will stil be my down days i have bipolar whats to expect.?