hospital stay.

Well im wrecked.. we have just spent sunday till today in hospital with luke.. the poor kid has pneumonia.. he was so so sick. i haven never seen any of my kids that sick before. i was really worried for him as he couldnt breath on his own. he spent 24 hours on oxygen and to start with i thin it was 8? then put up to 10. we were first in leongatha hospital.. then transferred to warragul and finally on to the monash. i havent slept since saturday night and probably only had 3-4 hours sleep that night. i tried to sleep last night but i kept waking up so i just stayed awake the whole night. poor mcdreamy. he is such a gem. man i love that kid! i love him with a passion! For real i do! he waited at warragul with me for 6 hours.. and he had to work in the morning. poor luke didnt want a bar of him.. but then he didnt want a bar of anyone..  still only wants me..

I'm feeling pretty sick to be honest.. hurts to cough... my bones ache but i will get over it. its almost the kids bed time and ill be resting on the couch i think...

i missed my boy so so much..  i wrote him a letter for every day i was gone. i thought of him very much and i felt almost helpless at the fact i could not physically see him.. i didnt have a choice.. i couldnt see him..
please dont ever take that option away from me again!  i dont like it.

bringing me down.

Ok so i cant really facebook this and its something that is getting to me.. and whilst i understand that people are trying to give me good advice..but is it really necessary that people must say it in a way that sounds so negative? do people expect me to fail? is there something here that i am not understanding because i am really not liking it.

its not the people that are annoying me its not like i dont like them. but its the same few saying things and i just dont understand why people cant just let me be happy.

yes i know about reality... and i know its not all roses i know that. But why steal my thunder? why not just let me be happy? people use to say they hated seeing me miserable and depressed well now im not. im happy im about to move into my own house get a dog maybe some other animals... and i have the worlds greatest boyfriend who loves me with all his heart..

i have my foster families blessings i just need mums! and it should be just good instead of saying "dont forget about reality" why cant u just say. "im so happy for u" or "im proud of you for taking the chance" or better still why not just say nothing at all???? because i just want to have the giddy feeling of a new relationship.. i want the newness i want the chance to get to know someone with out having to live together.. with out being pregnant and with out having any reason to have to be together.. apart from the good old. "I'm here because i WANT to be"

so to anyone else who has a problem with me being happy bugger off cause im going to BE HAPPY for the rest of my life! yes I AM no going back, It's onwards and upwards from here on in..

and i just need that one person to come with me and we will be fine..

i love u baby!


and

just needs the boy to want what they want

12:44amNeil

your a good girl dil and I love you lots. Daniel just needs a push over the edge

from MIL just a bit of my message...
But, you're always going to be my girl. So, I'm not going away from you.


I could get use to these ones! much nicer than the last ones...

date night.

So last night we went "out" on a date. an actual date.. with my company showing his true gentleman self and just being the best boyfriend in the world! "grown ups" is brilliant. i loved ever minute of it every second of it. fantastic movie... and how much better could date night get? well thats not reccomended for discussion on a blog with so many readers lol! but for sure it could possibly get better.. but what we have is real! it's so real.. yes its fantastic its everything u want in a relationship. for instance there is me.. now anyone who knows me KNOWS if i love u i will tell u and i will show u.. i guess not being shown as a little kid makes me want to show it more.. but in someways its a good thing and i guess it could get annoying so i probably need to refrain my self from showing it too much. anyway so u have me right the one who is not affraid to say what i feel, would go out of my way to show the boy how much i love and appreciate him, the one who could be with him all day every day and it probably wouldnt annoy me. but having said that i still need my space! and if i get grumpy watch out!

Then u have mcdreamy.. apart from being one of the "good" ones he is still absolutely 100% MALE. and he gets a fair wack of the "Man period" and even at those times i still love him! he is sensitive, kind and caring and would go out of his way to make you feel loved. he would do absolutely anything to help if he could. yet he forgets that its ok to be a little bit selfish and do things for himself! he has the most wonderful smile. and when he is looking at me i feel like I'm the only one he is looking at! he gets these moods where he is just loving and just wants nothing more than to cuddle u and just LOVES u well he loves me not U! ha ha
He is honest he is stubborn!! but so am I! He has awesome eyes.. his hands when they touch me esp when he touches my face are so reassuring.. so so so reassuring! as for the rest of him! well thats for me to find out one day!

anyway so yes its brilliant but it also is real because neither of us are perfect we both have the same kind of flaws.. we both are sensitive and we both get grumpy and its not going to always be a bed of roses but i hope and so far so good that the good always out weighs the bad! because life with out him in it would just not be  life! that i would want to have.

 so yes you could say reality has set in and i now know that it wont always be perfect.. but the best thing about having disagreements is the make up bit afterwards because u get the whole bubbly feeling again. that feeling that just reminds u of how much u love someone. and u forget what u even disagreed about in the first place.

so date night is over for the week... only 6 more sleeps until the next one....


 Mcdreamy if u read this.. just know i love u. i want to love u forever, i hope i get that opportunity! you are my life my world my everything..

2:30 pick up or ill call dhs..

are you fucking serious?  what you think you can dictate what i do and when? I dont think so buddy! im not your rubbish bag you can just keep throwing out when u want to. I'll be there at 4 like i said! just you wait for mediation this week! just you wait boy! work this work that ffs! man i hate this its bull shit i wish i could just wash him out of my life and not deal with it ever again. its bull shit. im over people controlling me. Roll on friday when i can move in on my own. no boundaries no one to say what i can do who i can see etc. not that that happens here but its a simple respect issue.. but anyway. bring it on i say! bring on single mother hood and date nights.. best of both worlds i say.

REALITY CHECK

you know what??? Micki you were right! there is such thing as reality and im not sure i like it very much! but I appreciate it for what it was. Im proud of myself for not blowing the lid and just wallking out its the only way i can deal things.. and running away doesnt always work!  but it worked today.. i gathered my thoughts and got through it.. im proud of myself for just going with it and wallking out of the situation... i love this boy with all  my heart...and will do anything to keep him...

anyway will blogdate later..

misses him

Well me and my insecurities can go jump! stupid stupid brain i hate you!
i need a hug my head hurts my bones ache if i cough it feels like im gonna die.. and i need a bloody hug and to go to bed and feel comfortable..
i wanna cry. cry cry cry. lol such a sook

my beautiful auntie

This woman The most amazing woman i know

she is kind caring and absolutely the greatest

auntie i could possibly ever ask for.

everyone constantly treats her like crap

the whole Tormey family are a bunch of wanks

and this woman is beautiful she is my auntie and i love

her like i would if she was my mother.

she loves like no one else i know.. in the whole world.

not grmpy anymore

I got The house! woot woot woot! i am so excited finally something positive and just relieved! no more grumpy me.. no no no.. no no! now i need a money tree..... anyone got one?

i need like 1 big bed 2 little beds at the least! (luke can sleep with me) i have to put tht application in for the fridge and washing machine.. and then i need...

a couch or loads of bean bags lol.. um pots n stuff arggg too much! not fair why didnt i think of that when i left i should have taken it all with me! oh well almost tax time so if i gotta live with out stuff till then well so be it.
well i gotta go soon to see the housing officer and get some help from her...

Mcdreamy I LOVE U!

Grumpy:(

It's 3am and I can't sleep! Brain won't switch off! Mood won't switch off!! I just wanted a hug and I am mad at the world!

Honey moon over?

So micki posted on my wall that I should be enjoying the honeymoon but not to forget about the "reality" of things! Well to anyone else who wants to say that to me don't because I'm such a paranoid insecure person that kind of thing just messes with my head! And I don't want to not get excited when mcdreamy comes home from work or if he comes to visit me I don't want to not be happy about that or excited! If u love someone I think there should always be some kind of "honeymoon" faze it should always be there and people should work on it! You don't just meet someone to get comfortable! U love them because of who they are and that's just how it should be!!!!

Insomnia

So I'm laying in bed it's 1:24am and sleep is not going to come easily tonight! Luke is lying next to me awake but is meant to be going to sleep! It's probably a bit hard when his mother has her headphones in music full ball and is singing away lol! I must admit I'm over sharingmy bed! Bring on moving to my own house so I can sleep on my own! No little feet to kick me in my back! Just me Lyla and ook! I can't wait to get my "kids" back I miss them! I miss coming home to ook waiting at the door for me and Lyla jjumping up for a hug! Poor babies!

Hopefully the realestates rings me in the morning! I will def be happy!! I don't know who I'll be calling first! I think probably mcdreamy he he hopefully there will be a shed to put my car in! I'm on a mission to buy a new car though! I want a manual! But I'd like a Holden! I'm a Holden girl and I'm not going to let my love for mcdreamy get in the way of that! I will not let him convert me to ford! Not in my wildest dreams! If mark skaife drives a ford I might consider it!! But I know he will never drive a ford so I'm safe for now!

I went to the doc's today and I have to get some blood tests done tomorrow and book in for an ultrasound I'll call first thing! It's pretty scary stuff but it could be worse! So I'll just go along for the ride and hope I come out the other end on top! Which I will!

I'll leave this entry for now I want a new one for the next thing I have to say!

Babe "I love u FOR REAL"

I get a knock on the door go to answer it... i open the door and mcdreamy walks in kisses me and says "i love u babe" full on... like wow omg thats wierd i know but...  i felt it.. he like gives me goose bumps when he does that. anyway..

night two of good night kisses... love them bestest.!

Goodnight kisses.

Goodnight kisses are awesome coming from an amazing guy... but they are even better when they come from someone who loves u! I know this for a fact! because anyone can kiss u good night.. but only one person can kiss you goodnight and love u like there is no one else in the world but u!

The realestate rang just before and is ringing my rental references!!!!!!!! yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hope that the mirboo north realestate rings me asap though because i want that house. its in mirboo and its close to mcdreamy! and mum and dad.. and everyone else. but im homeless in 8 days and i just cant be picky.. how frustrating. I WANT THE MN HOUSE! STAT!

well kids are playing nicely.. and i need to get to the doctors but i cant get in until friday in leongatha.. time to try another clinic

What i love about u!

McDreamy..

From the first moment i started talking to u i felt the connection.. I remember you were so shy and u hardly said a thing to me. it only took a week and we were talking like there was no tomorrow. for the first week it was 2am before i was turning the laptop off.  it was then i knew what i really wanted. U helped me through the absolutely most difficult thing i have done. The leaving bit was easy its the stuff afterwards. He has thrown so much crap my way and every time u listen, U do not batter an eyelid at anything i say to u.

This last week has been pretty tough with the fires.. the egg donour etc but u.. just love me.. u love me and no words are needed.. just your love and u know it.

I am the most insecure person I dont trust anyone and i find it hard to let peope in and tell them how i feel. at first i was scared to let u in. I have been so hurt by so many people. people walk in an out of my life in a flash. if something gets to tough they walk out. If i make a mistake they walk out and im left wondering what the hell i did wrong.  and u whole heartedly knew this and u are still weary of it. i can ask you absolutely anything insecure and u have the right answer every time.

you tell me u love me every day with out fail in the morning when i get up numerous times during the day and your the last person to tell me at the end of the day. even if we have been tallking all night on fb or yahoo.. u still message me.  I can ask u anything. i always say "do u love me really" and u always tell me " Yep I love you for real" I always ask silly questions but u answer every time.. u know exactly how to answer. u know my weakness and you take it in your stride because u know its "who i am" 

Im so self concious i hate my body but u.. U love me as i am as who i am and that is so comforting.

when u kissed me for the first time i knew it was right you were a tad hesitant but as time has gone by i can tell that now u kiss me and u kiss me like u love me. and u kiss awesome! lol. as EWWWWWWWWWWWW as that is.. Kissing u is my new favourite thing!

At first you didnt like the "public affection thing" but when i come over u are sure to tell samuel and chelsea that you love me.. because u do. u will kiss me and say u love me even when u are grumpy!

I love that i can tell you everything and anything. every time i pick the kids up something goes wrong and for some reason everytime i go back to the car there is always an "i love u babe" message waiting for me its like you knew i needed to hear it.

I love that when i am with u we dont have to say anything being with each other is enough.. and i love that i could fall asleep with u cuddling me every time. i cant wait to get my own house so that u can come for "sleep overs"

as i know i will sleep cuddling u all night!

I love that u have changed me. U have made me Happy.. before u i would always get frustrated my kids would annoy the crap out of me and the whole world feels like its not worth living in. but now im calm im graceful and everyday with them is a blessing.

I love that u have taken me into your arms with the whole "package" u knew i came with kids and not one thing has bothered u..

you are an amazing person you are the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. I truley would spend my life with u forever.. i would lie in bed and just cuddle u i would be happily satisfied!

Im not sure what our future holds i just know that every second spent with u. is worth a life time of memories and a lifetime of love!

i love you baby with all my heart. u are my life my world my everything!

Thank you for loving me.. and for loving me "for real"

Will he or won't he?

Well it's Sunday and I'm lying in bed waiting for the kids to go to sleep! So I'm wondering will he or won't he? Goodnight kisses are hard to find u know! They are even better when they are a surprise! However I am hopefull! I love him! I love him I love him! U know it's been like 6 weeks or something? Crazy huh? 6 weeks doesn't seem like very long! But it feels like a lifetime! I didn't even think it was possible to fall in love with someone that quickly! But aparently it is because I did!

Today we went to a birthday party! Trust me to leave the present at home! Stupid! Anyway was good to catch up with them! Been a long time between drinks! That's for sure!

I drove the other way home I love the warragul road! It's all bendy and fun. Hmmm this entry is really boring! I've had so much to say but I've gone blank!

I love u mcdreamy!

the simple life...

this isnt simple this is ridiculous. they are right ben is better off on his own with out me. i left him there because i thought he was just confused. turns out he isnt. he just doesnt want to be with me.. he has been brain washed. anyway whats the point in being mad may as well just get even.......

Is a loner.

I have no family i h8 every single on of them except my auntie K! i hate you all and am divorcing u all and changing my name. thats it im leaving u all in the past.. u can all just bugger off

feeling down..

nothing more to add... just feeling down.

love it

can't take my eyes of u

The secret is out!

So everybody knows.... no going back. its moving forwards from now on. no more doubting that you love me and no more doubting that i love u. i know it i feel it i cant hide it any longer and to be honest i dont want to hide it. i want to walk out side right now and yell at the top of my lungs that I love daniel! obviously since i dont know anyone in this street i wont be doing it. but i definetly wont be hiding it from anyone.

I have made my decision it's time to stop playing the insecure me and start being the normal me. well that is pretty normal..  but no more.

anyway on a downer the stupid dreams are back! and just as id finally thought i got rid of them.. they are back. i actually had one a few nights ago but didnt think anything of it.. but going to the egg donours yesterday definetly brought them back.. i tried so hard to stay awake last night thinking about the good things but i couldnt.. stay awake  any longer.. i just fell asleep.. listening to my songs... at one point i woke  up and there was someone on the end of my bed.. i just went back to sleep but every time i woke up i saw the same thing.. so i think ill sleep in mums bed tonight even though i shouldnt... or ill sleep in the lounge room. i hate this it will end up same as always.. i will end up sick. and really tired. god help me thursday when im on my own for two nights! lol i need my own  house so i can have people over for "sleep overs"

anyway i should probably go see if the kids are asleep.. its good tv on tonight.. woo hoo!

so.

here i am sitting in the loungeroom at my brothers house. i have two babies asleep in bed and my bro sitting in the chair next to me.

how and what i am feeling?
I'm feeling like i could drive the 2 hours home and crawl into my bed and maybe if i put the pillow next to me it will feel like someone is lying there next to me. u know my life at the moment is like 2 different worlds. in one world  there is hate anger, 3 displaced children and no house and just a whole heap of crap. and in my other world there is my 3 happy children a man who loves me and still no house.. when i am with mcdreamy my whole world is turned up side down or rather up the right way. i know its only been like  4 weeks or something but i feels like forever. i cant even really imagine my life with out him in it.

i picked the kids up today and i had like a million and one names thrown at me. i got begged to stay and told "can't we make this word look what you've done you've ruined our kids" ra ra ra ra! same shit just a different day. but not once did i look back it was NO NO NO NO NO all the way. but he still didnt get it. but i didnt care. and maybe thats the part that makes me shitty and upset i "can't" physically care about him. i dont love him and i dont hate him. i just dont feel anything for him it took me a good long time to realise that it was just a comfort thing... or rather a convienient thing i havent loved him since i was pregnant with luke... it wasnt love u dont treat people like that if you love them. anyway its over and done with and im not going back. i just wish the whole name calling would STOP! im better than that im not a fat pig etc..  or a bitch or a whale and i definetly don need to be hitting trees! i am a good honest loving and caring person i wear my heart on my sleeve. love me for an hour ill love you for a lifetime. i love whole heartedly and thats why i stayed and put up with it because it wasnt just me it was hurting it was my kids. so i made the choice leave and dont look back.

anywy ben still wont come home he is just making life difficult.. its crap. anyway i cant stay awake any longer i need sleep...

Surprise..

OMG i just got a surprise visit from mcdreamy.. how awesome. i was so not prepared but it was dark lol..
i thought last night was the best goodnight kiss.. but tonights was by far.. i wuv him!

it's love!

here is something mcdreamy posted in reply to my youtube post.. i love him!

mcdreamy

stupid mole.

well i went and visited my sister and brothers today and of course the egg donour was there. i dont know why i bother going. everytime something happens and she shits me up the wall. she uses me and it shits me..  she 100% gets in my head withthe stupidest crap and its annoying ive tred for the last 24 years to love her but i just cant.. i cant do it  any longer im burnt out. her husband is a creep..  his an arsehole if he isnt stoned or drunk. i had to buy him a bottle of beer today just to shut him up. all he did was pick on me. "fat bitch" u look like mortitia adams but on the larger size.. ffs bitch dont mess with me.. it was on for young and old.. and he calls my kids "ucking little shits" oh i have had it.. they think they can just chose their kids..

ffs stupid people i hate you all!

fark!

OMG so mad.. i went to pick the kids up today and ben flat out refused to go home. he wont come home with me. he wants to stay with nana and daddy! omg! i kind of knew this was going to happen.. he just isnt dealing with it as well as i thought he would..

and then... just as i was leaving with the kids i was putting something in the car and i shut the door and my hand was just resting on the door and dh (dick head) slammed yes slammed the door shut and my finger was stuck.. omg instant bruise and it has been 3 hours and its still throbbing like a bitch. it was an accident but it friggen hurts. friggen hurts! anyway.

so ben is coming home on monday after school which kind of saves me a trip in since monday is the only day the kids dont go to rascals..but still this sucks i never signed up for this crap.. all i wanted was a clean break a chance to be myself and do things my way.. but noooooooooooo grr anyway its a new day tomorrow..

i miss my mcdreamy..

how far is to far?

when it comes to the "no sex b4 marriage" deal how far is too far? how do u control those barriers that in some cases can! get the better of u.. I think its one of the hardest things to control esp when the chemistry is there!


I am such a "thinking" person. that i worry about everything.. i cant even relax with out stupid thoughts going through my head.. I am so self concious about my body i just if i get touched i tense up.

i hate my mind why do i have a mind like this? its stupid. not everyone is going to get up and leave me! well actually everyone does. but it doesnt mean mcdreamy is. he says he loves me so maybe he really does? maybe it will work but maybe it wont. im just so sick of failing at everything that im scared if i let my heart go i will get way too hurt and i can't deal with being hurt again. im over it. i am so sick of getting hurt being treated like shit and this is a good thing! its a bloody good thing! NO ONE has ever made me feel like mcdreamy does... for starters i HATE sex it was ruined for me as a kid and i have never ever been able to feel comfortable doing it. but ....... i feel comfortable with him.. and nothing has  happened this is just my thoughts as to how do u stop it if it gets that far? not that it would hear anyway mum would never forgive me LOL! ha ha plus its completely wrong.. u dont "do it in your mums house" oh hurry up house i need u!
so anyway back to the how far is too far? i guess i just have to trust my self that it wont go too far.. because i think i know how much it would hurt afterwards.. we would have failed.. failing is my biggest fear.

anyway better go..

I <3 my mcdreamy..

j

all is good in my life right now

All is good in my life right now.. and that is all i have to say! everything is good, everything is bloody good! i know what i want..... i know what i need, i know who i need!

take time to smell the roses..

How do u train your brain to slow down? and your heart aswell? i have no clue this is all new territory to me, Im jess ive never done things slowly i dont do "slow" I'm impatient if i want something i want it like now..
im slowly retraining my brain. if things go slow i can keep being happy and excited every time i see him.
I love that so far doesnt matter what i have done or said nothing really makes him mad.

I don't get it how does one become that way? i wish i could be as caring as he is, as loving and gentle and special as he is. . I just want to tell him all the time! all the time how awesome he is, but there is only so many times one can hear "your awesome" before they think you've gone crazy and are obsessed! so i must refrain myself from messaging so often.

I went to Mil's house this arvo only stayed about half an hour but i took her some flowers and a letter i had written at tafe.. she needed cheering up..

anyway im getting rather over writing everything down.. so ill be back tomorrow

what do u do when life gets you down?

when life gets me down it ruins my day, It makes me mad, i get paranoid and i worry so much about other people. I am a worrier... i worry so so so much like my mil, my sweet beautiful mil, she is one of the nicest people i have known, I've known her all my life, learnt so much from her not so much in the past but recently i've learnt she could possibly be my greatest friend in life.. she will teach me so much i hope for many years to come...

i believe sometimes the people you love need to know it. I'm a very "need to be loved" person i need to have people who are there fr me ive grown up feeling very alone and i continually feel that way.. i get paranoid when i upset people but i love people i love everyone i alwys want to be there and help people but i think sometimes i just get in people's faces.. 

anyway what do i do?

lol i think of one person at the moment and they pick my mood up! every single time..

cant take my eyes off you

I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way


Have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away

And opening up has always been the hardest thing

Until you came



So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go

This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known

And I just can't take my eyes off you

And I just can't take my eyes off you



I love when you tell me that I'm pretty when I just woke up

And I love how you tease me when I'm moody, and its always enough

I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all

You broke my wall



So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go

This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

And I just can't take my eyes off you

And I just can't take my eyes off you, off you, off you



So lay here beside me, just hold me and don't let go

Oh, this feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known

And I just can't take my eyes off you

And I just can't take my eyes off you

Intamacy..

So my mcdreamy and i have made a decision... of no sex before marriage.
sounds wierd since i have 3 kids already and clearly that would mean i have had sex.. but the thought of  a second chance with someone i really could see myself loving a hell of a lot.. and not sharing my body with him until my wedding night kind of makes me all fluttery. i never thought i would have a second chance at lovin someone, i have 3 kids... thats enough to scare anyone off, but i think mcdreamy is different he is one in a million..

The feeling?? is so wierd ive never felt that feeling feeling before... its completely nuts..

on a good note..

last night mcdreamy went to church and i was really feeling sooky because I cut my finger instead of the pumpkin. all I wanted was a hug, but i kept saying to myself, come on you can get over it he is out getting  a life etc etc but omg what is he doing to me?

and yes i know what your thinking "u only moved out a week ago" and yes i physicaly moved out a week ago but emotionally my heart left 2 years ago.. i havent felt an inch of love for any male in a long time. and this boy? does the most amazing things to my heart, its absolutely crazy.. u cant fault him.. and when he is grumpy he is so cute.. lol anyway..

12:30 last night i was in bed and i hear his car go past and im like omg u serious? who does that? i dont know anyone who has ever came and given me a good night kiss before. but he did. made my day my night my week my month my everything.. i slept the best ever knowing someone out there loves me enough to come give me a good night kiss before going home to bed. so that was my highlight. of the week lol!

its funny how the simplest things can just give u that boost...