I dont do rules!

I do not like rules, I just simply cannot do them. i do not follow them, and  i dont respond to people who say i cant do something.. when people do say things like that It just makes me more determined to do what they say i couldnt do.. However i am finding that  there are certain things that annoy daniel, now i know its wrong and some times i dont even realise i am doing it.. but i test him, why? because i dont know what he would do if he got really mad.. i dont know if he would walk out, yell get really mad. so far ive had little to no reaction.  which i think proves im pretty safe.. however i have also realised that i have to follow some rules.. esp when it comes to daniel.. no tickling because he hates it! which is crap because its fun mucking around.! and dont ask him "are you grumpy" because that makes him gumpy! but its cute watching his face when he is like trying not to laugh but be serious.

I am finding now that things are getting comfortable, and sometimes the conversations can get pretty involved and im loving tht i have someone i can tell everything to.

Wednesday night I went through all the emotions.. I cried, I laughed, and i got cranky. not once did he let it bother him.. and if im honest im a bit of a mess at the moment... the "tough" macho act is just an act. im not strong at all. most nights i cry. its crazy..

not good!

I'm not good today:( over it all over everything!

Sunday's and good night kisses..

Well i have been in one really crappy mood, I have been in the same state of mind since my last post. about certain people, It's just one thing after the other, It just never ends. There is always something or someone bringing me down, Only this time im in no hurry to e ad them to facebook since i got blocked and deleted again, Im done, I'm not doing anything to help any more, it's me and daniel all the way, having said that it isnt just about T it's also about dyon, I cant get it out of my head that someone can be so rude and mean, and its getting to me that i just cant escape him! i can't get away its driving me absolutely nuts, I'm so over it it's not funny, Im over being called a "fat pig" and a "sl**" and I just feel like he is always going to have control over me.. i just want out. i want out of everything i want to run away and be by myself.. i really do.. I will take daniel and the kids, and if i could take mum n dad i would however they would be missed and needed here, but i just dont want anything to do with everything. im just oh dam it i just want to scream and punch some walls or throw some eggs or something. why do people do this to me? why? why why? arggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, its sunday and apart fom me not feeling myself i did have n awesome time with daniel.. mnd u the kids are testing him now but i half expected it, they have to i did it. and i still do it i test him all the time and half the time i dont even realise ive done it.

so my man has gone home nd he would maybe be on his way home from church now, I miss him like crazy but i enjoy the company.. i dont feel so bad with ella now i feel like i constantly have someone to keep an eye on, and she looks after me,

we had our first "shower" tonight she did good, not to scared. im proud of her and she smells beautiful now and all fluffy and clean..  and we are going to go to bed soon, and wait for daniel to get home so i can talk to him.

monday tomorrow! week starts again and tuesday will be 3 months! thats 1/4 of a year! feels like forever and feels like ive always had him there.. I love him!

Ella!

We have a new addition to our family... her name is ella, and she is beautiful! she is the bestest most beautiful most special little girl! who will one day be a very BIG girl! i already feel like I have company when daniel isnt here, i really think she was a good idea.. so far only one accident, but that was on the lino and i wasnt home so it doesnt count. she is so good at going to the toilet. such a good girl!.. only thing is. she just walks out there and roles around in the wet grass.. she is a shocker!...

she is just absolutely beautiful... i couldnt ask for a better friend.. and ben when i told him i had something at home for him.. he says. "is it a puppy" yes ben it is and he got all excited and teary and was telling me he loves me and im the best mum in the world!..

im so glad i saved and waited for her. i know its a big thing to be buying at a time like this. but i really feel at ease and peace with it, normally when it comes to money no matter what it is if its not cheap i always feel bad that i didnt spent it on something else. but there is a first for everything i guess.

anyway just thought id introduce u all to her, since ill be writing heaps about her training..

and another thing

Daniel works harder than anyone i know, (apart from dad) he gets up goes to work slugs it out for hours at a time, then goes on to fix a car that is being fixed to help other people out! he does it out of the kindness of his heart and thats what makes u a good person! he is a good man. he is a good man! so what if he doesnt get around to doing is washing! thats what u have a mrs for! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

OVER IT OVER IT OVER IT OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

over u!

can i just say i am furious right now. im over it. i cant win nothing is bloody good enough. and from now on. its me daniel and my 3 kids my dog and my 2 cats. thats it. and ofcourse the other people i care about.

but really why do i have to be brought down for doing something out of the kindness of my heart? because thats what i do. i love with all my heart. i do things because its right. thats all it is. that is absolutely all it is. and ill be buggered if im going to put up with being spoken to like im nothing and like im worthless.

I dont do rules..! ive always broken them, Ive had 5 people stick it out through my life everyone else has given up always left me because its just too tough to stick around and see it through.

well im not going to run away. all this is just going to push me closer to him! and him to me.

jess is majorly mad! mad mad mad mad! this is far too many times to be having ago at me! im NOT putting up with it. im now removing some people from my blog thats it ive had enough. im backing off before i get to hurt!

bank accounts, date nights and puppies,

well... yesterday i drove all the way over to the other side of melbourne to pick up "our" newest member of the family.. she is a pure breed golden retriever, and she is 8 weeks old and such  a sweet heart. i left her home last night in the laundry, and no accidents. i came home about midnight and she had been in there since 7:30 fair effort..
she slept in our bed last night and there was no accidents. i took her out at 2:30 this morning and ofcourse she had to just flop herself in the grass! one bad thing about long hair it gets wet! i can see im going to need  few towels...

we have been discussing joint bank accounts so we can save for a house deposit. sounds really scary! its like serious. this is now serious. its not teenagers... we are mature mid 20's loving people that love each other..

date night was good... we made it to big w with 8 minutes to spare.. managed to spent too much money and then get out in time... he has just left for work and i miss him already.. but i know he will be home tonightt  so i will be ok..

plus i have Ella now so im sure i will handle it on my own.

I know its a big decision getting a big dog but in all honesty ive always wanted a retriever since i was a little kid. nd now that there is no one to say no.. i took the oportunity.. if id gotten something else id have ended up wanting another dog and then id have had 2 dogs.. she was a fair price too much less then any others i have seen...

70 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well this is post no 70! wow.. i cant believe in 11 weeks i have posted 70 times... well it just goes to show how much of a difference bein happy makes doesnt it???? just shows that i can be happy and that when i am happy i have a lot to say! so here is to the next 70 entries..

first sunday..

Well today is our first sunday... together as the awesome foursome! and so far little to no dramas... thanks to daniels phone alarm... we got woken at 5:30am again! grr!anyway our time was not wasted! and by 7:15 am one had woken and looked out the bedroom window to see that there was a car here! "who's car is that" Daniel! daniels here..... lol. well that was it. we got bombarded and couldnt get them out of the room to save ourselves! welcome to my world baby! no morning sleep ins! in this house.

They ate breakfeast together played together and are now watching free willy together., i cant quite figure out who is the grownup in this situation but whomever it is its an awesome feeling to know there is someone who has the time to spend with my babies. even if secretly i really do want him all to my self...

So my future? or "our" future? im not sure. couldnt say. im thinking we will be forever. and im hoping forever. but maybe its a little early to tell. but im pretty certain its all real!...

Baby u light up our lives. your awesome. thankyou for sharing your time with us..

a very hard decision.

I had to make a very difficult decision today.. and that was not to allow my brother who is currently in a remand centre come and stay with me. my reasons for making such a horrible decision are these

A: I have just started my newly exciting life. I have met daniel, i get 2 nights away from the kids every week and one of those is what i like to call "date night" its mine and daniels night. we dont usually go out we usually stay home and watch dvds but mostly we talk, and we talk.. and i might just kiss him every now and then! :P

B: I have  beautiful kids who are just starting to come out of their shells again. and have started their new life which i guess would be pretty confusing to them. but they now have some kind of structure. they are home with me.. mon til thursday. thursday night they go to their dads and come home saturday arvo.. sunday we have family day..and now that will start to include daniel, If we are to one day become a full and happy family well we need to spend time together all 4 of us because sure its great when its just daniel and i but anyway.

C: I havent got the energy or the brain function to handle my brother right now. he has mental issues and i just dont think i could give him the home he needed. although i do love him and i love spending time with him and for goodness sake i miss that i cant see him.. it breaks my heart. josh and i have a connection that none of the others have.. we have been through everything together and i just have this love for him and i just feel helpless that i have chosen my family over my brother. and thats silly because he is my family.
anyway as hurtfull as this is i have to do whats right. if not for daniel but for my kids.

the thing i worryy about is if he is going to not ever talk to me again.. if so ive lost him and i cant get him back. but i made the decision and now its up to somene else to help him.

anyway it is date night and my wonderful boyfriend will be here any minute.
woo hoo!!!!!!!!!! snuggles on the couch watching dvds. couldnt think of a better person to spend my nights with!

always looking for the bad.

My mum told me something today that not only do i believe totally  but kate actually said the same thing to.. I'm going to copy it to my blog for future reference..

"When you were a kid , you

often could not just enjoy the good things without looking forward to the

bad things that might just possibly ( and probably would not have)happen

in the end , you often sabotaged the good things and sub consciously made

yourself sad and un happy."

and she is right.. 100% right i do this. I do it every day. I am 100% waiting to fail with daniel I'm waiting for it. because i expect it to happen! and instead of thinking of the "what if's"  i should be just embrassing life as it comes.! of course i dream and i pray that he be the one i marry and the one that becomes my life long partner. i couldnt imagine a better life! but i need to cut the thinking that its going to end badly.. because for all i know. it may not. I actually deep down don't believe it will ever end! I have this feeling that its the real thing. the real thing that everyone seems to have right! kate and dan they have what seems like an awesome marriage. they both have and had awesome parents and from what i know pretty grounded up bringings. 

same as jen and julian, they are made for each other both of them are so mature and have such individual lives and tastes in culture and are just so smart hard working people.

em and joe I believe love each other with all their hearts they are good for eachother. but also from the younger generation but still they love each other.

Then there is mum and dad who must have been married for 40 years nearly? i dont really know the number but its more than 25 because they had their silver anniversary when i was young! their marriage? is the marriage i want. I want the one where the man loves his wife unconditionally who looks after her, works his bum off at work and comes home and tells his wife he loves her.. for as long as i can remember dad was always helping mum with the housework.. me and emma had it easy! clean our rooms and do the dish washer which we still managed to fight over.! but dad would get up early go to work and come home. get wood help out side inside. make mum cups of tea and they always sat together to watch tv or when they were reading. 

I went for tea tonight and dads been working all day but he still is there helping. helping with tea helping with the table. he is amazing! and if i get half the husband my dad is im a lucky woman! and when i walk down that isle about to marry the man of my dreams I for sure know who will be holding my hand and who will be giving me away! 

anyway mum and dad have the most rewarding most inspiring marriage in the world. they gave up so much for us girls growing up so we could go to netball play music etc. and always loved each other, dad never raised his voice unless he was really mad and that was rare. he really loved me and im lucky.. yes i now have my biological father. but rob will always be the best dad ill ever have!

I think from now on my life will be good. i will embrase it and i will run with it. and ill be darned if im going to let it go!

and i have my family to thank. and ill be forever grateful!

i love u all and am so thankful for this second chance to keep my mark on the family.

Love him

Baby I love you forever. you are my everything. you make everyday worth living.. every morning i wake up to your good morning message, every night i go to sleep with your goodnight text! or ive spoken to u or how ever it is... i go to sleep knowing how much u love me.

when u stay for sleep overs you hold me all night. your so warm and snuggly! i love your snuggles. they are the best. lying in bed just snuggling is awesome.. i love it..

I think we are on 10 weeks today.. kind of feels awesome feels like forever 10 weeks isnt very long i know.. but still.

hmm i love u i love u i love u i love u....

hmmm.

well what a day... i made up on good progress for my tafe work.. handed in 2 assignments so just got a few things to hand in and im done... caught up.. i got my working with childrens check in.. so can start placement work now which will be fab. im so excited to be able to write in the discussions bit on tafe vc and also do the diary entries. i cant wait to start.. will be fantastic!

Well the ugly biatch reared her ugly head this morning... she is back in full swing! 3 years its been and she comes back. but i think its actually from the medication ive been taking...as its not real as its pretty much over.. ohwell my body is screwed what can i say..

I recieved a phone call today from my brothers solicitor.. i have to decide if i want him to be in it for him to come and live with me for a few weeks or not. im torn about the decision.. i dont know what to do.. argg too much stress....

why?

This is so ridiculously stupid. im up its 12:15am and im still awake. another repeat of last night i can imaging.. thats just brilliant. i would turn the computer off but i just cant see my self sleeping. 


I am looking up puppies and not having much luck.. they are all so expensive and im such a snob i only want one breed of dog because its the breed i always wanted every time and i never got it because of some stupid reason. and now im determined to get it. id happily take an adult.... i just feel really alone at night. sure i have the 2 cats but its not the same i dont think..


just think this time tomorrow night ill be sleeping with  my man next to me he will be cuddling me and life will be good. this is just a bad day. and i have them just having a few more than  i should be. but i know what i have to do. and Ill do it. 


im going to try get some sleep..

I admit defeat.

Ok so i admit it i cant live with out taking what i have to take. I thought i was doing really well.. everything was good. Ive been happy ive had "good" stuff going on... i moved in to mums which was probably the best "transitional" stage i could have possibly had. I moved out into my own house. got ben to want to stay here with me. got the kids into a good routine. it should be good right?

well not according to my brain... my mind or what ever it is that makes me all depressed and feeling like crap. the bit that makes me all paranoid and feel like if i go to sleep i might wake up and have lost everything!
The dreams are back. except when mcdreamy stays here. i try to cover it up because i feel like im less of a person if i have to take them. I dont feel like i make for a good enough girlfriend or wife if i have to take them.  i dont like people knowing my weakness and the fact that my brain doesnt function with out them.

The thing that got me was yesterday and what happened. it played  on my mind all night i didnt sleep until 4am this morning and being really tired this morning ben wasnt listening either was hayley or luke and i snapped and had to walk in the room and shut the door for 5 minutes. im ashamed to admit this but its my blog. so its meant to be where i post all my feelings.

anyway I dont like this person she doesnt feel worthy of such good things in life. she gets crazy thoughts in her head.. and being awake all night i can do alot of thinking.. so there it is its me its the way i think. it still doesnt help me feel any better knowing i have to take them again. they are my worst enemy. how am i any good enough to love if i have to take medication to level hormones in my brain? this is ridiculous i cant believe i feel like this... its useless. why?

I made daniel grumpy today and if i wasnt so consumed in the what ifs.. i would have known better what not to say. thing is i dont deal with things unless i can write about them or talk about them. i finally feel comfortable sharing my feelings and i cant even get it right.

argg i feel like ive hit a brick wall.. over it. just want the honeymoon back.

I love him so much if i screw this up.. if i screw this up? there will be no words. not one. because i will have failed at everything.

I dont like this feeling!

The feeling of loss, even though u havent lost someone. The feeling of "what ifs" The feeling of anger because if it wasnt for me u'd have had more sleep. i dont want to feel this ever again.. I hate it.. i cant stop crying its awful.. If I lose u I don't know what i would do.. I can't see my self wanting to breath life with out u in it. I just simply cannot imagine my life with out u..  and yes i want to marry u and make u mine even more now. I love u so much. I hope this is a wake up call. I hope this makes you think not only of yourself but the people who love u.

U have a whole family who loves you.not only that but there are 4 people living in this house that would do anything to have u in our lives every single day. To be able to wake up every morning and know u are there.. every moment we spend with u is a memory tressured forever.

babe, I love you. i dont ever want to feel like i could have lost you again! i hope you now realise what it is u gotta do! and im going to remind u even more now..

I LOVE U!

Loved this message so its here for future references..

"love you in the morning, I hear you calling I'm never gonna say goodbye

love you in the evening, i'll hold you till you're sleeping

I'm gonna love you right"

love you babe <3

shotgun.

Love me in the morning,


Love me like you need me,

I hear you call and your never gonna leave me.

Loving you is easy,

Never gonna say goodbye.



Love me in the evening,

Hold me till i'm sleeping,

I know your with me,

I hear you breathin',

Yeah I'm gonna love,

Yeah I'm gonna love you right.



Rainfalls louder, snow falls down,

colours brighter when you're around,

Cause there's no shotgun hanging around my door tonight.

With you I'm safe here till' the morning light.



Love me in the morning,

Love me like you need me,

I hear you call and your never gonna leave me.

Loving you is easy,

Never gonna say goodbye.



Love me in the evening,

Hold me till i'm sleeping,

I know your with me,

I hear you breathin',

Yeah I'm gonna love,

Yeah I'm gonna love you right.



Whispers softly, take my hand,

Hold me closer, right till the end,

Cause there's no shotgun hanging around my door tonight.

With you i'm safe here till the morning light.



X2

Love me in the morning,

Love me like you need me,

I hear you call and your never gonna leave me.

Loving you is easy,

Never gonna say goodbye.



Love me in the evening,

Hold me till i'm sleeping,

I know your with me,

I hear you breathin',

Yeah I'm gonna love,

Yeah I'm gonna love you right.



Cause there's no shotgun hanging around my door tonight.

With you i'm safe here till the morning light.

Forever is a long time

Well.. 2nd night in and I survived. might help that i had company last night! I would do anything to have that company every night. That was awesome! no expectations. just relaxing.. brilliant.

daniel and ben had a blast last night setting up the car set and having races.. i dont know who actually had more fun.. daniel or ben. Ben woke up this morning "mum where is daniel i wish he didnt have to go home"

so maybe we wont have any issues? maybe all this worry over nothing! my kids love him. what more could u ask for? I mean he could be a bit of a romantic u know the whole flowers thing but that would make him perfect.. and we all know how hard it is to find the perfect boyfriend.. they are few and far between..

He was meant to be going HOME but someone must have been too tired and decided to have a sleeping sleep over. how good is it though waking up with someone in the bed next to u? like how awesome? knowing its not some meaningless thing but the prospect of waking up every morning with the one person u love just makes me feel all loved and just special.

I never knew it was possible for me to get someone to fall "in" love with me. never ever. but when he says it I believe it! i 100% totally believe it. I feel it and i Know it! i know to some people this all seems a bit like dejavu  and i use to think that way back in the beginning but i know now and believe now this is the right place for me. i am where god wants me to be. im where i should be. this is what god has had planned for me all along. yes i agree things have gone so fast.. but kate said sometimes things happen like that. some people know right away that its meant to be.. others takes a while.. and i believe that fate is what brought us together and i really am thankful that my life ended up this way.

I dont regret anything not one thing. life is good!

All alone.

well first night in the new house.. and got 3 kids sleeping and two cats playing.. the house really is pretty big! the kids are all in the one room.. thats where they want to be for now. so ill leave them in there. that leaves the whole back room to play in.. and thats good. all the toys can stay out there.

I miss mum n dad. i spent one night there with them in the house and i want to go back.. i dont wanna stay here with out someone here. its crap. but i made this decision i have to deal with it. face it if daniel wasnt around id be on my own anyway so suck it up princess... I love that my house is so clean.. i just need a fridge and we will be good to go! tomorrow i might take the kids to get some new dvds. i think with out tv reception its gonna be a long week! and unless tax money comes in i wont be doing anything else much..

They have no toys so they cant do much really. anyway. im pretty much lost for words tonight. so i might come back tomorrow.