so.

here i am sitting in the loungeroom at my brothers house. i have two babies asleep in bed and my bro sitting in the chair next to me.

how and what i am feeling?
I'm feeling like i could drive the 2 hours home and crawl into my bed and maybe if i put the pillow next to me it will feel like someone is lying there next to me. u know my life at the moment is like 2 different worlds. in one world  there is hate anger, 3 displaced children and no house and just a whole heap of crap. and in my other world there is my 3 happy children a man who loves me and still no house.. when i am with mcdreamy my whole world is turned up side down or rather up the right way. i know its only been like  4 weeks or something but i feels like forever. i cant even really imagine my life with out him in it.

i picked the kids up today and i had like a million and one names thrown at me. i got begged to stay and told "can't we make this word look what you've done you've ruined our kids" ra ra ra ra! same shit just a different day. but not once did i look back it was NO NO NO NO NO all the way. but he still didnt get it. but i didnt care. and maybe thats the part that makes me shitty and upset i "can't" physically care about him. i dont love him and i dont hate him. i just dont feel anything for him it took me a good long time to realise that it was just a comfort thing... or rather a convienient thing i havent loved him since i was pregnant with luke... it wasnt love u dont treat people like that if you love them. anyway its over and done with and im not going back. i just wish the whole name calling would STOP! im better than that im not a fat pig etc..  or a bitch or a whale and i definetly don need to be hitting trees! i am a good honest loving and caring person i wear my heart on my sleeve. love me for an hour ill love you for a lifetime. i love whole heartedly and thats why i stayed and put up with it because it wasnt just me it was hurting it was my kids. so i made the choice leave and dont look back.

anywy ben still wont come home he is just making life difficult.. its crap. anyway i cant stay awake any longer i need sleep...