I admit defeat.

Ok so i admit it i cant live with out taking what i have to take. I thought i was doing really well.. everything was good. Ive been happy ive had "good" stuff going on... i moved in to mums which was probably the best "transitional" stage i could have possibly had. I moved out into my own house. got ben to want to stay here with me. got the kids into a good routine. it should be good right?

well not according to my brain... my mind or what ever it is that makes me all depressed and feeling like crap. the bit that makes me all paranoid and feel like if i go to sleep i might wake up and have lost everything!
The dreams are back. except when mcdreamy stays here. i try to cover it up because i feel like im less of a person if i have to take them. I dont feel like i make for a good enough girlfriend or wife if i have to take them.  i dont like people knowing my weakness and the fact that my brain doesnt function with out them.

The thing that got me was yesterday and what happened. it played  on my mind all night i didnt sleep until 4am this morning and being really tired this morning ben wasnt listening either was hayley or luke and i snapped and had to walk in the room and shut the door for 5 minutes. im ashamed to admit this but its my blog. so its meant to be where i post all my feelings.

anyway I dont like this person she doesnt feel worthy of such good things in life. she gets crazy thoughts in her head.. and being awake all night i can do alot of thinking.. so there it is its me its the way i think. it still doesnt help me feel any better knowing i have to take them again. they are my worst enemy. how am i any good enough to love if i have to take medication to level hormones in my brain? this is ridiculous i cant believe i feel like this... its useless. why?

I made daniel grumpy today and if i wasnt so consumed in the what ifs.. i would have known better what not to say. thing is i dont deal with things unless i can write about them or talk about them. i finally feel comfortable sharing my feelings and i cant even get it right.

argg i feel like ive hit a brick wall.. over it. just want the honeymoon back.

I love him so much if i screw this up.. if i screw this up? there will be no words. not one. because i will have failed at everything.