random thoughts

Well my sperm donour rang me and he reckons he is coming between yesterday and sunday... he says he is just going to come and visit. BA HA HA HA can you hear the sarcasm? do you have any idea how many times that bloke has said "i miss you princess and im finally coming to visit" ?? clearly not because he isnt someone i usually talk about.

i remember as a  kid i was about 5 or 6 and my step dad at the time took me and his kids for a walk to get fish and chips. and i was walking down past my house and i saw this man walk past me. and i looked.. and then kept walking but i turned and looked again and i knew he was my dad and i ran back to him and jumped into his arms, from then on i remember him coming over all the time except he would be there in the morning. so its a given what he was there for only i didnt really understand.

everytime he would come around he would promise me things like he'd say "next week we will go to the movies" and next week would come but we never went..

another tme i remember him coming nd asking me what animal i would like. and i said id wanted a cat so he said "next week we will go get one" anyway same thing never happened. this happened all the time. 
and eventually i went back into care and i didnt see him for years until i was 17 and my egg donour was walking down the street and seen him and got his number. stupidly at 17 i didnt think about all the unbroken promises or the fact that like everyone else the one man i actually needed in my life  never even bothered to get off his Ar** and come look for me. I was just far to excited at the fact i would have my dad back. (even though i have had a fantastic father who is a role model to me and as much as i never tell him.. rob is the only male figure i will ever call dad and mean it. ) it doesnt ever take away the fact that craig is my biological father. and ive always craved that attention.

anyway.. so i made contact with my dad i was 17 and 5 months pregnant with luke and i met him in melbourne. I was so sure he was going to change and that this was the best thing that could possibly happen.. plus everyone deserves a chance to make it up dont they?  well we hit it off brilliantly was great i finally felt like i had my dad.. my dad the dad who provided the sperm so i could live... well all was well and good for the first few times. and then it went back to how it use to be.


he would ring me up and say im coming to see you make the bed for me. well the first time he said he was sick.. and the second the third and the fourth.. he never sent birthday cards but i still did.
he would turn his phone off for months on end and send me messages to say he wanted to kill himself because i couldnt be in his life. then he would turn his phone of and i wouldnt hear from him for months.

and then hayley was born and he finally showed up she was 2 weeks old. and he stayed for a few weeks and he acted so weird i think he was on drugs or something.. but im not entirely sure. after that i never saw him again.. its been almost 5 years. he didnt even come and see me when i had the car accident and it was his house i was going to.

he said he turned up at the rehab centre but i had left but i know for a fact he never showed up . he would ring and ring and ring..  and say oh "hey beautiful im coming down in 2 weeks" so id get all excited and talk to him right up to the day before and then his phone would be turned up for like 2 months and he would ring me and say. oh sorry baby i didnt make it i got sick or a insect bite the day before and it got infected. ive been in hospital ra ra ra

the last few times he has said he was on the bus on his way here and id go to the bus stop to pick him up and he didnt get off.. because he never got on!

This man is the reason why I HATE people saying they are going to do something and not do it. he is a lot of the reason why i dont trust people. he brings back all my insecurities about people just giving up.and you know? ive had it hard ive had it really hard.... my childhood was fairly messed up. and yes i agree that life could be worse i am not saying that no one elses life is worse than mine. it is there are kids out there with no one. and i had the best foster parents i could possibly ever ask for. and i did everything in my power to push them away. because its my defence mechanism. its toughen up and dont let people in because if you do they will just let you down!

my egg donour is the reason for my fear of people walking out. because every time she would get sick she would kick me and hit me till i was black and blue.. and only then would she ring dhs and id get shipped of to a foster family.  then they would get sick of me and send me somewhere else. then i would go home and the cycle started again.

she constantly just would leave me places and im left to wonder what the hell i did wrong? i cnt believe i have 2 parents who really have no right to be parents at all..  and i craved for that attention andd that love and the acceptance and i believe it was always there in a sense. mum n dad loved me no matter what. I had it easy i went to a great school and then i got approved to change schools because the music was great.. im not sure if they were really sure its what they wanted me to do but they supported me no matter what. and maybe i shouldnt have changed as i believe mary mac was just what i needed stability and it was strict and there were boundaries. but leongatha gave me music and a bit more independance but anyway..
when i was 16? i met this guy and stupidly fell in love and that was when i took it and ran.  i left home and moved in with his family because i stupidly thought they could give me what i wanted but i already had it! and they didnt give me at all what i wanted. maybe for the time being but once i left they just changed moved away and now im some kind of person who has issues. there is another example that people just hang around until it gets tough...

anyway
he was what i was looking for. it was what i needed. someone who chose to love me and chose to be with me. that man he changed me yet most of it was a lie only i was too bloody stupid to even hear or see what was going on behind my back.I only found out about things that went on later on and it was only a few weeks ago mum said she had heard the roumors herself...  i was 16 and it was then i remember sitting in church and talking to rob nyhuis and promising to not have sex befor i was married! well i broke that at 3 weeks later. something i hated myself for the next day. i bawled my eyes out for the whole service and then some afterwards. but it was then i thought.. well ive done it who cares?  Ive already sinned gods not going to forgive me now. so i kept doing it. and doing it.  and in the end like most people he walked out and i probably deserved it because i probably pushed him away I probably did it myself.. I probably was too much or something i dont really know. anyway. so then after that i rebelled because well whats the point? i blown it anywy! no one really loved me at this point i was alone and then a friend hooked me up with dyon and well thats how u get ben . but after that it all turned sour. i was such a mess. anyway i dont want to go into him because the memories are still raw.. the countless times he would not take no for an answer in the bedroom, and the names he would call me.. and you know what? i reckon i stayed because i called me names and treted me like shit but thats how i felt about my self. so i didnt have to try..

for alot of those years i had little to no contact with anyone. i knew he was the wrong person because i didnt get what i was looking for. he didnt love me like i needed to be he just used me. and it wasnt always bad. the first 4 years were ok. but after the car accident i was kidding myself. and went back because i couldnt look after my kids on my own there is no way possible i could.  but i stayed because it was easy.. its hard to leave would have required effort plus there was no one else to make me feel what i already felt about myself. a complete failure. id let my foster family down. id let  god down and myself down. i treated people not nicely i did stuid things.

and now there is daniel . before we started seeing each other we had discussed the no sex before marriage and we soon broke that not long afterwards. about a month i think. but you know what? i felt like this was the first time i had wanted to really do this with someone and I gave myself up. i dont believe that sex should be just for kicks. i believe it should be between two people who love each other and are commited to each other. there are plenty of christians who arent married but participate in those things..

anyway since being with daniel and even before daniel right towards the end i started reaching out and trying to make things right. i was finally wanting well not wanting but needing my foster parents and i started to forgive my self i wanted them aswell that probably wasnt the right choice in words..
I decided i was better than what i had trained myself to be like and i left i stayed with mum n dad while they were in london and i got myself together. I felt like my whole world finally made sense... everything was (and still is) great with daniel. sex wasnt something i hated to do.. it was something that finally made sense. god made it to be a beautiful thing! and the nightmares they stoped. and the worrying and the crying at night. and everything was great i knew from the start he is going to be my husband!
I love this boy! anyway.. then the whole sex thing came up and daniel had decided that he wants to wait until we are married. and thats his choice. but... the last two weeks have had me back to the old me.
just a few nights before he had said he wanted to start moving in. because i thought its what he wanted. and ofcourse i got all excited. and then 4 days later we broke the sex rule again. and we are back at world dot!

I ofcourse Love this boy. I love him with all i got. but I have found that love and that constant connection and i wnt that more than ever. and the no sex thing.. no moving in thing going backwards. but moving forwards really messed with my head. my demons have come out and i have been so really back to the old insecure me that i have made a doctors appointment. I dont need sex but i thought i was getting somewhere. but what can u do? i have to make the choice aswell.. i still miss his company. every night with out him feels like a lifetime..

How can i become someones wife if im this insecure? I can be a better person than i am now. I am a GOOD person. i just feel a little let down. and  i have everyone elses issues to deal with.. there is mediation to organise, mischa, there is dyon who just wont let up! names are still coming and they make me so panicky after i pick the kids up.. this just isnt me.

Im a good pretender though. alot of people on the outside wouldnt know how im feeling on the inside!

This has turned into one almighty post.. and a winge no doubt.

and i was on here talking about my dad. and then i started about the egg donour. and now i dont know what i was trying to write.

I just want this last 2 weeks put behind me. I wish i had never taken that step and broken a promise with daniel. how do u go back with out cutting out all forms of touching? i have to be strong enough. and im just praying i can do it.

anyway. today i have been an absolute mess.. i stayed in bed all day except to go to swimming for ben and to meet daniel for a few minutes. i would do anything to make him happy and i would do anything to just be with him.

so its time for me to start just living and being normal and trying to piece together my past and get forgiveness for everything. no matte what i throw at that boy he just gives it back with a kiss. and a hug and an "i love you"

best i go.
been an hour and a half and im still typing...